Americans Beg Trump for Secret to Staying So Young and Vibrant

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans across the country wish that Donald Trump would reveal his secret to staying so young and vibrant, the nation’s personal trainers have confirmed.

According to Tracy Klugian, a fitness professional in St. Louis, “not a day goes by” without one of his clients requesting a physical regimen that will give him or her the youthful appearance and mental sharpness that have made Trump the envy of millions.

“Clients will come in and say, ‘Make me as young and vibrant as Donald Trump,’ ” Klugian said. “I have to warn them that that’s…

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Accuses Media of Anti-Liar Bias

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Reacting to the journalist April Ryan’s call for her to be fired, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said, on Friday, that she has been the victim of the media’s “widespread anti-liar bias.”

“From their obsession with fact-checking to their relentless attacks on falsehoods, the media have made no secret of their bias,” Sanders said. “It’s open season on…

Americans Fear That Former Trump Staffers Will Be Released Into Their Cities

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans are in a state of abject panic amid reports that Donald J. Trump is threatening to dump thousands of fired Cabinet members and aides on cities that do not support him.

Harland Dorrinson, who lives in San Francisco, said that “every American should be alarmed” at the spectre of former Trump staffers like Kirstjen Nielsen, Scott Pruitt, and Anthony Scaramucci descending on their towns.

“A lot of these people were unsavory to begin with, and their…

Betsy DeVos Suggests That Bribing Colleges Helps Students Learn Math

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Offering an upbeat assessment of the headline-grabbing college-admissions scandal, Betsy DeVos said on Thursday that bribing colleges gave students “a really neat opportunity” to learn math.

The Secretary of Education suggested that, rather than keeping children in the dark about the bribes that enable their college acceptances, “Parents should sit around the kitchen table with their kids and work…

Redaction of Mueller Report Halted as Barr Passes Out from Sharpie Fumes

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The redaction of the Mueller report stalled on Monday after the Attorney General, William Barr, passed out from inhaling fumes from multiple Sharpie markers.

Barr, who had been working around the clock to redact the report before its release, reportedly lost consciousness while trying to black out a seventy-four-page section…

Germany Demands Apology After Trump Claims Father Was Born There

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—German Chancellor Angela Merkel demanded that Donald Trump issue a “complete and sincere apology” to the German people, after Trump claimed incorrectly, on Tuesday, that his father was born in Germany.

“Of the many insulting things that Donald Trump could say…

Rosie O’Donnell Chosen to Read Audiobook of Mueller Report

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The comedian Rosie O’Donnell will narrate the audiobook of Robert Mueller’s long-awaited report, the special counsel’s office confirmed on Saturday.

Explaining the selection of O’Donnell, a spokesperson for Mueller said, “Donald Trump has complained about how much this report has cost, and Rosie has agreed to narrate it for free….

Obama Demands to See Trump’s Elementary-School Diploma

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama ignited a firestorm of controversy on Wednesday by demanding to see President Donald Trump’s elementary-school diploma.

Speaking to reporters in Washington, Obama called on Trump to prove “once and for all” that had completed a K-through-five program.

“While the U.S. Constitution does not require the President to have graduated from fifth grade, it would still be nice to know that he had done so,” Obama said.

By insisting on the release of Trump’s diploma,…

Trump Storms Out of McDonald’s After Failing to Close Six-Dollar Meal Deal

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Capping a singularly disastrous week for the Commander-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump stormed out of a Washington, D.C., McDonald’s restaurant on Friday after failing to close a six-dollar Meal Deal at the establishment.

At approximately 12:30 P.M., Trump took a break from his designated “executive time” to…

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Warns Michael Cohen to Leave Lying to Professionals

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As he prepared to testify to Congress on Wednesday, the former Trump lawyer Michael D. Cohen received a thorough scolding from the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who warned Cohen to “leave lying to the professionals.”

“You probably think you can step up to the microphone and lie like it’s the easiest thing in the world,” she said. “Well, you should…