Tag: Andy Borowitz

SAN JUAN (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the move an “urgent response to recent unfortunate events,” Puerto Rico has issued a sweeping travel ban on malignant narcissists, effective immediately. Starting on Wednesday, Customs and Border Protection officials at Puerto Rico’s ports of entry will be equipped with the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–V) issued by the American Psychiatric Association, and will be instructed to look for symptoms of malignant narcissism in those attempting to enter. “If port officials encounter a visitor who has a pompous and arrogant demeanor, needs the constant admiration of others, and is unwilling to empathize with others’ feelings, wishes, or needs, that visitor will be denied entry,” a Puerto Rican government statement read. Puerto Rico took the forceful action after an incident on Tuesday, in which a man with narcissistic-personality disorder gained entry to the island and inexplicably hurled projectiles at unwitting Puerto Ricans. “We had to do something,” one government official said.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an experience that he called “traumatic” and “horrifying,” the departing Health and Human Services Secretary, Tom Price, was seated between two screaming babies Friday night on his first-ever commercial flight. Price, who was flying from Washington, D.C., to his home in Georgia just hours after resigning from his Cabinet position, reacted with alarm after discovering that the airline had assigned him a middle seat between two passengers holding inconsolably shrieking babies on their laps. Moments after making his terrible discovery, Price urgently called for a flight attendant and reportedly told her, “There are babies on this aircraft.

. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans who feared that Barack Obama would come for their guns are happy that Donald Trump is coming for their health care, a new report finds. “In Europe, everyone has health care and no one has guns,” he said.

In Stunning New Deal with Democrats, Trump Agrees to Be Impeached. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his most stunning deal yet with Democratic leaders, Donald Trump agreed on Friday to be impeached by the end of 2017. Emerging from an Oval Office meeting with Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, a beaming Trump touted the deal for his imminent removal from office. “Chuck and Nancy and I got a deal done on impeachment,” Trump said. “It was a good deal and it was a fast deal.” Trump said that the Democrats had convinced him that agreeing to be impeached would make him soar in popularity. “People are going to love me for doing this,” Trump said. “They’re going to love it on all the channels.” In a barb aimed at House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Trump said that the impeachment agreement was something he “never could have gotten done” with the Republican leadership. “I went around and around with the Republicans for months on health care,” he said. “This meeting with Chuck and Nancy took, what, five minutes, and I could get back to watching TV.” Hoping to capitalize on their momentum, Pelosi and Schumer said that they would meet with Trump next week to discuss the ouster of Vice-President Mike Pence.

Researchers Identify Gene for Awfulness. LEEDS (The Borowitz Report)—In a finding that has wide-ranging implications for society, British researchers at the University of Leeds announced on Saturday that they have identified the gene for awfulness. The study, which focussed on one adult male and three of his adult children, makes a persuasive argument that there is a “powerful dominant gene” that makes people heinous. “When we began our research, we wanted to find an adult male with pronounced characteristics of horribleness,” Alistair Dorrinson, the scientist who led the study, said. “In studying three of his adult offspring, we found that they were all carriers of the gene that makes one smug, tone-deaf, and oblivious to the fate of others.” Additionally, certain subtraits of awfulness, such as an inability to tell the truth, appear to be genetically mediated, Dorrinson said. Hopes that the gene for horribleness might eventually become diluted as its carriers mate with the general population were dashed when the scientists studied the mating history of the adult daughter in the sample group. “Unfortunately, those who carry the gene for awfulness are more likely to reproduce with other carriers of the same gene,” the scientist said. Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com. Read more »

Eight Hundred Thousand People with Dreams to Be Deported by One with Delusions. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Eight hundred thousand people with dreams will be deported by one person with delusions, sources confirmed on Tuesday. According to reports, U.S. residents who have obtained advanced degrees, served in the military, and saved people from Hurricane Harvey will be kicked out of the country by a man who believes that his microwave is spying on him. “Under this new decision, if you have worked hard, gone to school, and contributed to the country, you face immediate deportation,” one legal expert said. “On the other hand, if you can prove that you have a glaring personality disorder and a flimsy grasp on reality, you can decide the fate of those other people.” The delusional man defended his controversial decision late Tuesday afternoon, accompanied by several key voices in his head. “The people I am deporting are parasites who have exploited our economy,” the man, who has declared bankruptcy six times, said.

Controversy over Confederate Statues Inspires Betsy DeVos to Google Civil War. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The raging controversy over Confederate statues has impelled Betsy DeVos to Google the Civil War, the Education Secretary confirmed on Thursday. “People have been going on and on about the Civil War, and I was like, Betsy, what the heck are they talking about, exactly?” DeVos told reporters. “After a certain point, I decided I just had to Google it.” DeVos said that she was glad that she Googled the Civil War, calling it “an extremely fascinating chapter in American history that people need to find out about.” “Like President Trump has been saying, the Civil War had sides to it,” she said. “Although I don’t think it had many sides. I only counted two.” DeVos said that, prior to Googling the Civil War, she believed that parents should have a choice as to whether or not their children learned history in the nation’s schools, “but now I’m starting to rethink that.” “I guess you might say I’ve gotten bitten by the history bug,” DeVos said, adding that she was about to Google Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and George Washington.

Americans Demand That Offensive Symbol of Racism Be Removed from Public Property. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A growing chorus of Americans is demanding that an offensive symbol of racism be removed from public property. Creating outrage since it was first installed at a historic landmark in January, the symbol, a figure of a man standing six feet two and weighing approximately two hundred and fifty pounds, has emerged as one of the most despised objects in the country. Now, less than seven months after the figure’s installation, calls for its removal have spread from home to abroad, with many of the nation’s allies wondering what possessed Americans to put such an odious figure in such a visible position. Large protests broke out this week in New York City, where the offensive symbol was briefly on display. “Every time I see [the racist symbol] on TV, I want to change the channel,” one protester said. “I can’t stand looking at it.” “This symbol is a part of America’s dark, ugly past,” another protester said, echoing the opinions of many. “It has no business being here in 2017.”

Millions Willing to Work for Mueller for Free If That Would Speed Things Up. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans would gladly work for Robert Mueller for free if that would help speed things up, a new poll finds. According to the survey, a substantial number of Americans would leave their jobs, their homes, and even their families to join the special counsel’s team if doing so would help bring this nightmare to a swifter conclusion. A spokesperson for the special counsel confirmed that his office has been receiving thousands of résumés a day from Americans begging to do anything to help Mueller “move things along.” “We saw a big surge in interest after the bust on Paul Manafort’s house,” the spokesperson said. “A lot of folks were devastated that they didn’t get to play a part in that.” The spokesperson said that, although the special counsel “really appreciates” the public’s interest in helping out, limitations on office space prevent Mueller from accommodating all of those who desperately want to pitch in. “We hate to disappoint people, but we’re overwhelmed,” the spokesperson said. “Right now, I have about five thousand résumés from people who just want to help investigate Jared.” Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com. Read more »