Tag: Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The former Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis announced on Tuesday morning that he would seek the Democratic nomination for President, declaring, “Everyone else is.” Explaining his rationale for running, the 1988 Democratic Presidential nominee told reporters, “As everyone else started jumping into the race, I started feeling a little left out.” Additionally, Dukakis explained, “People have been stopping me on the street and saying that they thought I was already running. So, whatever.” The former standard-bearer said that before he threw his hat in the ring he paid a courtesy call to the 1984 Democratic nominee, Walter Mondale, to see if he was planning to run. “I wouldn’t get into the race if Walter was going to do it,” Dukakis said. “This could be his year.” Mapping out his campaign strategy, Dukakis said that he hoped to offer himself as an alternative to the former senator Gary Hart, who also entered the race today.

SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—Stating that he expected the property to be “bankrupt and vacant within the next two years,” Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, announced on Thursday that the Mar-a-Lago club, in Palm Beach, Florida, would be the site of Amazon’s second headquarters. Bezos said that Mar-a-Lago was chosen from a list of soon-to-be-bankrupt properties, including the Trump National Golf Club Bedminster, Trump Turnberry, and the Trump International Hotel and Tower in Baku, Azerbaijan. The Amazon C.E.O. said that, after Amazon acquires Mar-a-Lago, the company will start working around the clock to remove the property’s hideous décor, which he fears could prove distracting to warehouse employees. At Mar-a-Lago, a longtime employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, welcomed the Amazon move, stating, “This is one of the only places in the world where workplace conditions would improve if Amazon came in.” Another Mar-a-Lago employee, raising a question shared by many others, asked, “Does this mean we’ll start getting paid?” If the Mar-a-Lago deal goes through, it would mark the first appearance of books in that location, Amazon confirmed.

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In his first interview since being found guilty on all counts in his U.S. trial, the Mexican drug lord Joaquín (El Chapo) Guzmán called himself the victim of a “phony witch hunt.” The former cartel leader made his blistering comments in a phone call to the television program “Fox & Friends,” whose hosts appeared surprised that he had somehow gained access to a phone and was able to get through to them. “It was a phony witch hunt,” El Chapo said, of his trial. “It was a phony, rigged witch hunt, and the charges against me were fake news and a disgrace.” Questioned whether he had worked in concert with other drug lords to bring narcotics into the United States, El Chapo said, “There was no collusion. And there was no evidence of collusion, because there was no collusion.” But the former drug kingpin reserved his harshest words for the F.B.I. and its former director James Comey. “Lying and leaking Jim Comey is a showboat and a disaster,” he said. Asked to give his impression of the American justice system, El Chapo said, “I think it’s very bad when someone like me, who is running a business and creating jobs and helping the economy, is harassed and treated unfairly. I think it’s a disgrace and, frankly, very sad.”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has begged Donald J. Trump not to make him sit next to a woman during Tuesday night’s State of the Union address, sources confirmed on Monday. According to those sources, an emotional Pence came close to breaking down in tears as he explained that being seated next to a woman other than his wife was a violation of his personal code of behavior. Pence offered Trump a variety of solutions to the problem, including introducing a third chair between him and the woman where his wife, Karen Pence, could be seated for the duration of the speech, “to make sure that that woman doesn’t try anything.” “Let Mother sit next to me, or let me sit on Mother’s lap, but don’t make me sit next to that woman alone,” Pence reportedly sobbed. According to those with knowledge about the meeting, Trump was less than receptive to Pence’s impassioned plea. “God, Mike, you’re such a loser,” he reportedly said.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A leak of Donald J. Trump’s official White House schedule has left millions of Americans deeply relieved that Trump spends approximately sixty per cent of each day not using his powers as President. In conversations across the country, Americans called the revelation that Trump devotes the majority of his day to “executive time,” a euphemism for watching TV and checking Twitter, the most reassuring news out of the White House in months. “Like most of the people I know, the idea of Donald Trump sitting behind his desk doing things that affect the country has me in a state of mortal terror,” Carol Foyler, a resident of Minneapolis, said. “Just knowing that he’s spending sixty per cent of his time doing basically nothing makes me feel somewhat better.” Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Detroit, agreed that it was “great news that Trump is only President forty per cent of the time” but called on the entertainment industry to create more diverting programming that might distract Trump for a larger portion of his day. “It would be fantastic if we could push the sixty per cent of his day that he does nothing up to seventy or even eighty per cent,” he said. “Maybe someone could come up with a podcast that he could get into.” But Tracy Klugian, a Baltimore resident, said that the leak of Trump’s schedule did little to allay her darkest fears. “Until I find out that he’s spending a hundred per cent of his time not being President, I won’t sleep at night,” she said.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Using some of his harshest rhetoric in recent memory, President Donald J. Trump came out strongly against intelligence on Wednesday morning. “I’ve listened to these people with so-called intelligence go on and on, and, quite frankly, it’s a waste of time,” he said. “I know a lot more than people with intelligence do.” Trump added that he has stopped receiving intelligence briefings at the White House, arguing, “I can do my job without any intelligence whatsoever.” He said that he has chosen, instead, to seek advice from his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and from his elder children, Ivanka, Eric, and Donald, Jr. “You won’t find a trace of intelligence in anything they say,” he boasted. At a briefing for the White House press corps, the President’s press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, denied that Trump’s war on intelligence was a new development. “Intelligence has never played a role in Donald Trump’s life,” she said.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A furious Donald Trump told reporters on Friday morning that it was “a total disgrace” that the Federal Bureau of Investigation had apparently not been affected by the government shutdown. Trump, who appeared agitated and was gripping his television remote as he spoke on the White House lawn, said that he had been under the impression that F.B.I. agents had been furloughed and were not going to work. “You have people across the country, in national parks and places like that, who are not at work, and somehow the F.B.I. is working around the clock?” Trump said. “I think it’s a total disgrace. It’s a sick situation.” Trump said that he would call an emergency meeting of his Cabinet to “get some answers” about why the F.B.I. was working during the shutdown. “Let’s say you were trying to leave the country in a hurry with your family—would the F.B.I. be at the airport to stop you?” he asked.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bold initiative aimed at ending the shutdown, congressional Democrats on Thursday agreed to fund a border wall and reopen the government if Donald Trump leaves the country forever. Calling the deal “a huge win for America,” the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, said that Trump would get the wall he wanted plus the opportunity to do something “incredibly patriotic” for his country. Pelosi brushed aside criticism of the offer’s 5.7-billion-dollar price tag, telling reporters, “When you consider what we are getting in return, nine trillion dollars would be a bargain.” But, even as Pelosi touted the offer, some details remained unresolved, such as finding a country willing to accept Trump. Although Russia has a practice of providing country houses to former leaders such as Nikita Khrushchev and Boris Yeltsin, it is unclear whether Trump’s two years of service to the Kremlin qualify him for such accommodations. The White House offered no official response to the Democrats’ offer, but Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani gave it a full-throated endorsement during an appearance on CNN. “He should absolutely take this deal,” Giuliani said. “I mean, if he stays in the country, he’s probably going to prison.”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In blistering remarks aimed at House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Ann Coulter demanded on Tuesday that she be allowed to deliver the 2019 State of the Union address. “Nancy Pelosi should stop playing politics with the State of the Union,” Coulter told reporters. “Tradition dictates that I deliver that speech next week, and I intend to do just that.” The conservative pundit scoffed at congressional Democrats’ condition that she reopen the government before being able to deliver the State of the Union. “Clearly, since becoming Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has let power go to her head,” Coulter said. Coulter indicated that she would use the State of the Union to speak to the American people not only about the border wall but also about her plans for the economy, trade, and America’s role in NATO. “The American people have put tremendous faith in me,” she said. “I am not about to let Nancy Pelosi stop me from doing the job I was elected to do.”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an indication that he has reached his breaking point with the Speaker of the House, Donald J. Trump is offering a hundred and thirty thousand dollars to keep Nancy Pelosi quiet, White House aides confirmed on Thursday. According to those aides, Trump floated the idea of a six-figure payment to silence Pelosi during a closed-door meeting on Wednesday night, in which he asserted that he had done “a million of these deals.” Trump’s effort to mute Pelosi faces a number of obstacles, however, including the fact that the person who has crafted such agreements for Trump in the past, Michael Cohen, is not available to perform such a service now. Additionally, any agreement to silence Pelosi could face constitutional hurdles, since one of Pelosi’s principal duties as Speaker is to speak. At the Capitol, Pelosi said that she would reject Trump’s proposed payment and added that she would offer him no money whatsoever to prevent him from delivering this year’s State of the Union address. “I am asking for an hour of silence from Donald Trump, and you can’t put a price tag on that,” she said.