WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump said on Monday that he is “a-hundred-per-cent positive” that an F.B.I. informant infiltrated his 2016 campaign but that he has “absolutely no idea” who that mole might be. “I’ve been trying to figure out who would have the opportunity and the motive to do something like this,” he said. “But I keep coming up empty.” “Opportunity-wise, you’d need to be someone who’s in my inner circle and who could get close to me without raising suspicions,” he said. “But, then again, the person would have to be able to suddenly disappear for periods of time and report back to the F.B.I. I can’t think of anyone in a position to do that.” “As for motive, you’d really have to be out to get me,” Trump added. “Now, I have enemies like anyone else. But I can’t think of anyone I’ve given a reason to really, really hate me.” Trump said that he would “keep trying to figure out who it is,” but he admitted that, at this point, the informant’s identity was “a total mystery.” “I’m kind of an amateur detective,” Trump said. “I watch ‘Law & Order,’ I watch all the ‘Law & Order’s. I watch all the shows.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans are demanding an investigation into why, if F.B.I. operatives managed to infiltrate the 2016 Trump campaign, they utterly failed to prevent a nightmarish despot from being elected. In interviews across the country, Americans expressed dismay and, in some cases, despair at the news that F.B.I. infiltrators might have had a golden opportunity to prevent the nation’s current unspeakable nightmare from unfolding but did not get the job done. “The thought of F.B.I. “If it turns out to be true, I will totally lose my faith in F.B.I. infiltrators.” Harland Dorrinson, of St. Petersburg, Florida, agreed. infiltrators were in a position to derail the most heinous threat to democracy in American history but didn’t succeed for some reason, that would be bigger than Watergate,” he said. Tracy Klugian, of Denver, Colorado, said that a “full and exhaustive investigation” is needed to “determine why our system of F.B.I. “I won’t be able to sleep at night until I know that F.B.I.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has ordered a replica of the Nobel Peace Prize and is displaying it prominently on his desk in the Oval Office, the White House confirmed on Wednesday. The replica of the Nobel medallion is mounted on what the White House described as a “tasteful black-velvet background” with an engraved plaque reading, “Donald J. Trump, 2018 Winner.” At the daily White House briefing, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said that Trump “took the initiative” to award himself the Peace Prize rather than “waiting around” for the Nobel committee, in Oslo, to bestow it on him. “What with his successes in Syria, Iran, North Korea, and whatnot, the President already knows he’s a lock for the Nobel,” she said. “It’s just a formality at this point." The fake Nobel was first spotted by Henry Klugian, a student who was on a White House tour with his seventh-grade class from Bethesda, Maryland. “I thought it was kind of weird that he’d have something like that made up for himself, but whatever,” he said.
President Donald Trump has sought Prime Minister Theresa May’s advice on pulling out of a deal when you have absolutely no plan in place what to do next. Just one day after announcing America would be pulling out of its mutually beneficial nuclear deal with Iran, Trump has solicited advice from May, who’s vastly more experienced in this particular area of politics. ‘I rang the prime minister last night and we had a fantastic conversation, the best. I did most of the talking,’ began Trump. ‘It’s been nearly two years since Britain voted out of that terrible EU deal and I assume that it’s been nothing but success for them. Theresa told me to stay the course and ignore all criticism, no matter how valid it is.’ But things aren’t completely hopeless between the USA and Iran. Trump would like to bring Iran back to the negotiating table so that the two countries can work together on a new deal. ‘I hope to bring a red, white and blue nuclear deal with Iran to the table very soon,’ Trump finished.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that has stirred controversy in both legal and medical circles, Donald J. Trump removed Rudy Giuliani from his legal team on Monday by naming him the new White House doctor. The decision to appoint the former New York mayor to such a key medical position raised eyebrows, in no small part because Giuliani would become the first White House doctor in history not to possess a medical degree. But, in an official White House briefing to announce the decision, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, pushed back against the criticism of Giuliani’s nonexistent medical credentials. “Rudolph Giuliani is every bit as qualified to be a doctor as he is to be a lawyer,” she said. Dr. Giuliani hit the ground running in his new job, immediately scheduling an hour-long appearance on Sean Hannity’s Fox News program to discuss the state of Trump’s health. “Is the President’s mental health good?” Giuliani asked on the air. “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. You really have to define what you mean by ‘all.’ If he’s out of his mind, so what? That’s nobody’s business. The important thing is, I’m on TV again talking a lot, and I’ve never felt so alive.”
A man who voted for the Conservative Party at yesterday’s local elections, as he has done in every election he’s voted in, is confused at why Britain seems to be becoming a worse place to live in. Michael O’Sullivan, 48, voted for all three of the Conservative candidates in his area and was pleased to see each of them retain their seats. ‘Now is not the time for any sort of progress whatsoever,’ beamed Michael. But Michael has also noted that Britain seems to have become a much worse place to live in over the last five-to-ten years. ‘Britain’s going to the dogs. My children are struggling to find decent jobs, it takes me two weeks to see my GP, I have no idea when I’ll be able to retire, Brexit has become a shambles, and everyone seems utterly miserable,’ Michael told us. However, Michael sees no correlation between who he votes for and the state of the nation. ‘It must be those bloody immigrants causing all this. Who else could it be?‘ asked the Conservative voter.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The special counsel, Robert Mueller, is actively considering what would be the most appropriate thank-you gift to send to the former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, a source close to Mueller’s team has confirmed. According to the source, Mueller and his team were behind closed doors on Thursday morning to discuss the gift and appear to be close to a decision. “They’ve been around and around on this, but a consensus seems to be forming on a bottle of single-malt Scotch,” the source said. Moments after the news of Mueller’s gift to Giuliani leaked, however, Michael Avenatti, Stormy Daniels’s lawyer, indicated that he had already sent Giuliani a single-malt Scotch on Thursday morning and advised Mueller to select an alternative gift, such as Dom Pérignon champagne or beluga caviar. Responding to Avenatti’s comments, federal prosecutors investigating Michael Cohen issued a statement asserting that they had, in fact, sent Giuliani an entire case of champagne last night, which would appear to leave caviar as Mueller’s only remaining gift option. The source close to Mueller said that, no matter what gift the special counsel ultimately chooses, it will be an inadequate token of gratitude. “You can’t put a price tag on what Rudy has done for Bob,” the source said.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The National Rifle Association’s decision to ban guns during Mike Pence’s speech at its annual meeting in Dallas this week “leaves him totally vulnerable to a bear attack,” the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, warned on Monday. Speaking to reporters at the Education Department, DeVos said that she was “deeply concerned” that the N.R.A. was underestimating the danger posed to Pence by “the savagery of one rogue bear.” “All it would take is one angry bear to ruin what otherwise promises to be a really nice gun event,” she said. She added that, after contacting the N.R.A. leadership, she was alarmed to discover that there would be no bear detectors at the entrance to the Dallas venue. “A bear can simply waltz in there,” she said, shaking her head. “This is madness.” DeVos urged the gun organization to rethink its plan and insure that every member of the audience for Pence’s speech is fully armed. “If there are no guns, that is sending a very dangerous message to bears,” she said.
Prime Minister Theresa May has refused to accept the resignation of Theresa May after the latter attempted to resign due to her part in the Windrush scandal. May tendered her resignation shortly after Amber Rudd, the now former home secretary. However, unlike Rudd, the PM refused to accept Theresa May’s resignation. ‘Look, Theresa made a mistake and she’s sorry. Some claim that May’s resignation was refused because she’s one of the last supporters of the prime minister still in office. ‘May is very much a one woman party right now. If she loses her own support then she has nothing left,’ one insider told us. The fact that Theresa May is now referring to herself in both the first and third person is nothing to be concerned about, according to other members of her cabinet. ‘Boris does it all the time,’ said Boris. ‘No I don’t,’ he replied.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The independent counsel, Robert Mueller, told reporters that, prior to news reports on Thursday, he had “almost forgotten” to investigate the former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani. “Like most Americans, I had totally forgotten about Rudy Giuliani’s existence,” he said. “But then when he popped up on the news I was, like, ‘Hold on—shouldn’t we be investigating him?’ ” Mueller was at a loss to explain why he had failed to investigate Giuliani earlier. “I have no idea how it could have slipped my mind,” he said. “His role in Trump’s campaign was as fishy as all get-out.” He said that other members of his team were “poking fun” at him for not deciding to investigate Giuliani before Thursday. “I mean, think about it: how do you do a criminal investigation of the Trump campaign and leave Rudy out of it?” he said. “I’ve got to say, I’m pretty darn embarrassed about the whole thing.” When asked for an estimate of when the Russia inquiry might wrap up, Mueller responded, “I honestly can’t say. I was hoping to bring it to a close in the next month or two, but now that we’re also investigating Rudy Giuliani, God only knows how long it’ll take.”