Tag: Theresa May

Theresa May is willing herself through one more day of being prime minister for the 120th consecutive day, it’s emerged. The embattled PM has been telling herself that she just needs to hold on for one more day ever since the General Election on June 8th, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult with Conservative backbenchers calling for her to resign. ‘Just one more day. One more *cough* day. Strong and *cough* stable for one more day,’ she has been witnessed muttering to herself. While she is showing grim determination to cling on to power, those around her believe that Theresa May is incredibly close to cracking. ‘She’s lost something inside herself,’ confided one anonymous cabinet member.

Theresa May told Andrew Marr today that her being a robot simply does not compute with the logic function within her CPU. Whilst critics of the prime minister have called her ‘robotic’ and claimed she has less empathy than a Henry Hoover, Theresa May has vehemently denied the claims. ‘Me being a robot simply does not compute, Andrew,’ she said during her appearance on The Andrew Marr Show. ‘So because she’s a terrible PM she thinks that means she can’t be a robot? Maybe she’s just a robot who’s been really poorly programmed, or well programmed by a really sick mind,’ said one unconvinced viewer. Facing internal pressure for her party to seem more passionate and humane, Theresa May has turned to WD-40 to help her appear looser on camera.

The Minute - Theresa May rebukes Trump. Before any details were made public of an explosion in the London tube wounding 29 people, Donald Trump tweeted: “Another attack in London by a loser terrorist. These are sick and demented people who were in the sights of Scotland Yard.” Asked about Trump’s potential breach of convention on intelligence sharing, May was unusually critical of the US president, saying: “I never think it’s helpful for anybody to speculate on what is an ongoing investigation.” At pains to get it right... sometimes I wanted to make sure, unlike most politicians, that what I said was correct. Unlike a lot of reporters … I wanted to see the facts. – Trump last month, on his delay in issuing a statement following racist violence in Charlottesville, Virginia ‘A wonderful woman’ Our hearts and prayers go out to the people of London, who suffered a vicious terrorist attack today. I spoke with a wonderful woman, British prime minister Theresa May, this morning and relayed America’s deepest sympathy. – Donald Trump Following a new missile test by North Korea, the national security adviser, HR McMaster, said: “For those who have been commenting about the lack of a military option – there is a military option.” – Donald Trump, in a speech to air force pilots (Top Gun was about the navy) An 11-year-old with a lawn service had written offering to cut the White House grass, he was hired and now there are a million pictures of it. But when Trump went out to greet the kid, he was so focused he would not stop. The president almost had to tackle him. – Treasury secretary Steve Mnuchin (@katherinemiller) Very into Nikki Haley's look today, which is kind of Our Competent But Charismatic President, During The Inter-Galactic War pic.twitter.com/YOIkOdCg31 (@igorvolsky) Trump Hotel has now deleted the tweet where it used the hurricane to promote its cuisine.

DWP declares Theresa May unfit to do f*cking anything. The Department for Work and Pensions has officially declared Theresa May unfit to work after thoroughly assessing both her physical and mental capabilities. While the prime minister came through the physical section of the test fine, she failed to convince her assessor that she was either mentally or emotionally fit to work. ‘As soon as I asked her her name she broke down crying, and when I asked her what she does she just repeatedly said “strong and stable”. She’s clearly not a well woman and I don’t believe that work is in her, or the country’s, best interest,’ said DWP assessor Mark Cambridge, 38. ‘Honestly, I wouldn’t put her in charge of peeling a banana right now.’ But it’s believed that Theresa May has no intention of stepping down from her position as prime minister at this time. ‘I need to set an example to the people of Britain,’ she said. ‘You grin and bear the pain until you die. That’s the British way.’ Leading Conservative Party members have clubbed together to send Theresa a get well soon card which has been charged to their expense accounts.

Theresa May auditions for a part in Twin Peaks season 4. Theresa May has admitted that she spent part of her summer break auditioning for the part of ‘Bowl Lady’, a big part in season 4 of Twin Peaks. The prime minister, who could soon found herself out of a job, used her time off wisely to look at other avenues of employment. This included an audition in front of David Lynch and Mark Frost, the two men behind the mystifying Twin Peaks series. The ‘Bowl Lady’ character is creepy, elderly lady who walks around the Twin Peaks talking into a carved wooden bowl. David Lynch personally spotted Theresa May’s unnatural movements and mannerisms and hand-picked her for the role. ‘That prime minister you hate is going to come back in style,’ he told us. While the exact nature of the role remains under wraps, it’s believed that May smashed the audition out of the park. ‘One never knows about these things, but I think it went yrev, very well.’

Theresa May attacks ‘unacceptable face of capitalism’; injures husband. Philip May, husband of Theresa May, has been hospitalised after the prime minister took advice to ‘attack the unacceptable face of capitalism’ way too literally. With politicians returning to work after a summer break, Theresa May has been encouraged by advisors to go after big businesses whom aggressively pursue tax loopholes and overpay upper-management. ‘We need to be seen to care about this. We don’t, of course, we bloody love it. Even empty words carry weight with some people though and that should be enough to keep the plebs off our back for awhile,’ one source in the party told us. Philip May is a senior executive at an investment firm worth a billion pounds. So when Theresa May was told to ‘attack the unacceptable face of capitalism’ she when straight to her husband and attempted to gouge out his eyes. While her aggression was misdirected, Theresa May is being applauded for putting her party above her personal life. Philip May is currently recovering in hospital where his condition is being described as strong and stable.