Tag: State of the Union

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, is proofreading the text of tonight’s State of the Union address one last time to remove any remaining facts, Sanders confirmed on Tuesday. While a team of wordsmiths led by the senior adviser Stephen Miller has attempted to craft an entirely fact-free address, “It’s good to have a fresh set of eyes to root out any stray accuracies that might have crept in,” Sanders said. The press secretary said that, for example, while purging the speech of truths, she noticed a reference to the African-American unemployment rate standing at 6.8 per cent, a statistic that she deemed “unacceptably correct.” “I read that and my Sanders sense started tingling,” she said. Taking her blue pencil to the text, Sanders changed the number to a “better-sounding” 2.3 per cent. “That may seem like a tiny detail, but it’s stuff like that that separates the professional liars from the mere amateurs,” she said. Once Sanders is confident that she has obliterated any lingering traces of reality from the script, she will forward it to Donald J. Trump, who will insert misspellings. “It makes him more comfortable reading it on the teleprompter if things are spelled his way,” she said. The prospect of delivering tonight’s speech appears to have energized Trump, who tweeted early Tuesday morning that he was “very much looking forward to the Steak of the Onion.”

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—With just one day until Donald J. Trump’s first State of the Union address, the cast of “Fox and Friends” is working furiously on the final draft of the speech, members confirmed today. “We’ve really been burning the midnight oil,” Steve Doocy, the host of the Fox program, said. “We have so much to say tomorrow night, and we want to get it all in there.” Doocy said that when he read the first draft of the State of the Union address last week, he “kind of flipped out” when he realized that there was “absolutely no mention of Hillary Clinton’s Hydra-like tentacles controlling the Deep State.” “The State of the Union address is the President’s chance to tell the American people where the country is and where it’s going,” Doocy said. “You can’t do that without talking about how Crooked Hillary is funnelling her Russian-uranium riches directly into Bob Mueller’s bank account in the Seychelles.” While Trump reportedly has had input from other sources, including the Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, the conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, and several neo-Nazi Twitter accounts, Doocy said that the cast of “Fox & Friends” has final approval of the version that Trump will read Tuesday night. “Someone has to have the last word,” Doocy said. “There are a lot of voices in President Trump’s head, and that’s not including the actual voices that are always in his head.”

Senator-elect Doug Jones (D-AL) joins CNN's Jake Tapper on State of the Union to discuss his recent upset victory over Republican opponent Roy Moore and his refusal to concede, the Russia investigation, and more.

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin talks with CNN's Jake Tapper about the GOP tax plan, the Russia investigation and Robert Mueller, and more.

Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) defended how his party handled pushing the tax bill through the Senate via a late night, party line vote.

Sen.Tim Scott (R-SC) said he was not able to read the entire Senate version of the GOP tax bill prior to voting for it, but he had read all the aspects of the bill previously.

Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA) discusses Michael Flynn pleading guilty to lying to the FBI and the GOP tax bill that just passed the Senate.

Former Trump campaign strategist David Urban says Donald Trump's support for Alabama GOP senate candidate Roy Moore is a mistake and electing Moore to the senate would have a negative effect on the GOP during the midterm elections.

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) discuss the GOP plan for tax reform and the the sexual harassment allegations facing Alabama GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore and Sen. Al Franken (D-MN).

Billionaire Democratic mega-donor Tom Steyer talks to CNN's Dana Bash about why he is funding a $20 million ad campaign to impeach President Donald Trump.