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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Russian and Chinese spies who have been eavesdropping on Donald J. Trump’s unsecured iPhone calls complained on Thursday that he has foiled their efforts by speaking in a language that is infuriatingly indecipherable. According to the spies, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, what they had hoped would be a treasure trove of valuable intercepts has amounted to little more than unintelligible gibberish. “Trump has been communicating in an impenetrable code entirely of his own creation,” a Chinese spy said. “These phone calls might as well be triple-encrypted.” A Russian spy who has monitored Trump’s calls around the clock said that the only words that could be identified clearly were “I” and “me,” but that they were used so frequently that they became virtually meaningless. Both the Russians and the Chinese have given their top cryptologists the task of decoding Trump’s utterances, but many of these experts have quit within days, complaining of burnout, headaches, and depression. “Trying to decipher Trump’s calls has reduced some of our top codebreakers to tears,” one Russian spymaster said. “They all miss Obama.”

Thanks to the spread of smartphones and social media, at any moment of any day, any person can find themselves targeted by an online mob. Greg Gutfeld, co-host of 'The Five,' observes that government is no longer Big Brother ...…

The local tech startup Goods Unite Us is hoping that buying politically is what comes next. Sign on to either the Goods Unite Us website, or its iPhone app, and users can type in a brand or company. It’s a tool that provides transparency to citizens, said co-founder and CEO Abigail Wuest, in an era when corporations are able to pour massive amounts of money into electoral politics. The tool also assigns a grade from negative 100 to positive 100 to each brand as well. Epic Systems racks up a positive 70. The software generates the score using an algorithm that factors in levels of political spending, along with the specific causes and candidates corporations contribute to. “Progressives tend to not favor corporate money in politics.” “If more people start shopping politically, if they know where their money is going...eventually the corporations that are giving their money to (political action committees) would maybe not necessarily stop, but would think twice,” said Miller. Wuest said Goods Unite Us was born in the wake of the 2016 general election, when levels of political spending hit all-time highs: The pricetag for the season was nearly $6.5 billion. About $1.5 billion of that comprised outside spending, primarily from super PACs — committees that don’t spend directly on candidates, but that are capable of raising and spending unlimited amounts of money. Wuest and Miller said that it’s an example of how for-profit companies can also strive to do good.

Late Night writer Ben interrupts the show to ask Seth if they can sit together for one minute of uninterrupted silence. » Subscribe to Late Night: http://bit.ly/LateNightSeth » Get more Late Night with Seth Meyers: http://www.nbc.com/late-night-with-seth-meyers/ » Watch Late Night with Seth…

Seth Meyers' monologue from Wednesday, October 11. » Subscribe to Late Night: http://bit.ly/LateNightSeth » Get more Late Night with Seth Meyers: http://www.nbc.com/late-night-with-seth-meyers/ » Watch Late Night with Seth Meyers Weeknights 12:35/11:35c on NBC. LATE NIGHT ON SOCIAL Follow Late Night on Twitter: https://twitter.com/LateNightSeth…