Tag: Humorist

That’s it, folks. Apple has officially won capitalism. Wrap it up, it’s over.” “I’m going to be honest, I don’t even know how they made a trillion dollars. Because I saw this headline on my iPhone, and I was like, ‘That can’t be right,’ so I read the full story on my MacBook, and even when I used Excel on my iPad and I blew it up, it’s still so unlikely that Apple could make so much money! ’Cause I was listening to a Podcast explain it on my second pair of earbuds, and then my Apple Watch told me I had a meeting. So I guess we’ll never know how they made the money.” “(Rick Gates is) confessing to stealing from the same guy that he was committing crimes with. Like, Manafort must have been so mad — but also at the same time, so proud.” Latest news by email The afternoon's latest local news Recaptcha requires verification. Yeah, and not just the money — I think he took some of the people, too.” Jimmy Fallon “I just saw that the University of Delaware was named America’s No. 1 party school, while the worst party school is once again home school.” “President Trump held a giant rally in Tampa with thousands of people in attendance. The crowd was very diverse.

Stephen Colbert “Unlike Trump, I know I’m being recorded right now.” “He uses (‘No collusion’) for every occasion — it’s like his ‘aloha.’ It means both ‘hello’ and ‘I’m guilty.’” “O.K., so collusion isn’t a crime, but it doesn’t matter because he didn’t do it anyway — Hillary did. It’s really going to complicate the chants at his rallies: ‘Lock her up! But collusion’s not a crime! ‘Oh, that’ll be the end of him,’ said Americans two years ago. And a year and a half ago. And a year ago. And eight months ago. And four months ago. They’ve already come up with the plot for the next ‘Mission Impossible’: getting Rudy Giuliani to stop talking.” “Trump flew to Tampa, Fla., for a big rally. And before he left, he put Rudy Giuliani in a kennel so he wouldn’t destroy everything while he was gone.”

‘Hey, everybody, I’m Brett, I’ll be your Supreme Court justice for tonight. That feels good. And it reminds us of the importance of permission slips for field trips to flooded caves.” Breaking News Be the first to know when big news breaks Recaptcha requires verification. I'm not a robot reCAPTCHA Privacy - Terms “Everybody loves this story. … When he finds out, he storms into the room and is like, What’s going on?’ To be fair, ‘What’s going on?’ is what people say in every meeting with Donald Trump.” Conan O’Brien “Because of the heat wave a lot of people across the country are without power. Yeah, they’re called Democrats.” “All 12 of those Thai boys and their soccer coach have been saved from the underwater cave. Very nice story. It’s a historic moment: This is actually the most Americans have ever cared about any soccer team, ever.” “President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh, once wrote that presidents should be shielded from prosecution while in office. He didn’t write this in a ruling — he wrote it on a cake he sent to Trump three days ago.” “President Trump’s new White House communications director has changed the White House lighting so Trump looks younger. Yeah, in a related story, I’ll be working from home.”

Jimmy Fallon "Today the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Trump’s travel ban, 5-4. "As you may have heard, last night the president of the United States went after me on Twitter. So Melania, if you’re watching, I don’t think your antibullying campaign is working." He's 81 years old, so he's going to go from sitting around in a robe all day to sitting around in a robe all day." Today's top news by email The local news you need to start your day Recaptcha requires verification. I'm not a robot reCAPTCHA Privacy - Terms Trevor Noah "You need an app to know why your baby is crying? Your baby is probably crying because it wishes it had better parents." "Ever since a Virginia chicken restaurant asked her to leave this weekend, the big debate in America has been: Do government officials have the right to be left alone when they’re off the clock? If Sarah Huckabee Sanders gets asked to leave a restaurant, or if Kirstjen Nielsen is heckled while she’s eating Mexican food, if Stephen Miller is out on a date and somebody — I’m messing with you, that will never happen." "This was actually Trump's third travel ban.

"Trump reversed course today and signed an order to stop separating immigrant kids from their families — and start detaining them together. Yeah!' " "The king and queen of Spain visited Washington. Today's top news by email The local news you need to start your day Recaptcha requires verification. " "Even (Kirstjen) Nielsen’s close ally, White House chief of staff John Kelly, advised Nielsen against doing the news conference (defending the family separation policy). Man, does anybody in the White House listen to John Kelly? John Kelly’s like that sticker on your meds that says, ‘Do not take with alcohol.’ " Seth Meyers "A federal judge in Virginia revoked former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort’s bail and sent him to jail while he awaits trial. Apparently, people are still going to the marijuana stores, but they can't remember why they went in." "President Trump tweeted, 'If you don't have borders, you don't have a country.' And if you don't have a country, you can't have a president.