Tag: courage

President Donald Trump has awarded himself the prestigious Medal of Honor for ‘probably running into mass shooting unarmed’. The ceremony will take place later today and will be only the third such medal Trump has handed out during his stint as president. While presidents don’t typically award themselves medals, President Trump decided to make an exception for himself for ‘extreme bravery in a theoretical situation’. ‘I would have run straight into that school and tackled the shooter, even if I didn’t have a gun. Believe me, he wouldn’t have known what hit him,’ said the former theoretical NFL linebacker. The ceremony will begin with Trump placing the medal around his neck before regaling the media with other brave things he might do if the situation was purely theoretical. ‘If North Korea was ever stupid enough to send a nuke our way, I’d probably just fly into the sky and block it before throwing it right back at them,’ said the proud president.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Calling himself “unbelievably brave,” Donald Trump said on Monday that he is the only President in U.S. history with the courage to stand up to war widows. “You look at guys like Obama and Clinton and the Bushes, when it came to war widows, they all blinked,” he said. “For years, we weren’t winning at widows.” In contrast, Trump said, he has made defeating war widows one of his top priorities as President. “Forget about Iran and China and Little Rocket Man,” he said. “This country has been pushed around by war widows for far too long.” Trump said that Senator John McCain, who has mocked the President’s draft-dodging during Vietnam, has “never shown an ounce of courage when it comes to fighting war widows.” “McCain can talk about what he did in Vietnam all he wants,” Trump said. “But the guys who have gone toe to toe with a war widow, contradicted her version of events, and refused to back down—we are the true heroes.”