Tag: Code

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The outgoing chief of staff, John Kelly, departed the White House with the nation’s nuclear codes hidden in his pants, General Kelly has confirmed. Kelly, whose illustrious military career spanned five decades, called his absconding with the nuclear codes “my greatest act of service to my country.” Speaking to reporters from his home, Kelly said that he had planned the heist of the nation’s nuclear codes with the pinpoint timing of a clandestine military mission. “I went into the Oval Office on Friday when I knew Trump would be distracted because ‘Fox & Friends’ was on,” he said. “Then, when he started tweeting something that one of the hosts told him to do, I slipped the codes into my pants, as quick as lightning.” Kelly revealed that, in order to prevent Trump from retrieving the codes, he was keeping them in his pants for safekeeping. “Let’s see that draft-dodging coward try to get them off me,” he said, his eyes gleaming with malice.

The MP for Dudley North had clashed with the Labour party chair, Ian Lavery, in the House of Commons just before the parliamentary recess in a heated exchange that was witnessed by other MPs. Austin was angry about the party’s new code, which recognises the internationally accepted International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance (IHRA) definition of antisemitism but does not replicate in full its list of examples – a contentious omission that has dismayed many within the party and further strained Labour’s relations with the Jewish community in the UK. The letter sent to Austin is identical to one sent a day before, on 18 July, to the veteran Labour MP Margaret Hodge, who was told that she faces disciplinary action for abusive conduct, having branded Jeremy Corbyn a “racist and antisemite”. “The Labour party takes all complaints extremely seriously,” he said. In whose interest is it to kill Egyptians, other than Israel, concerned at the growing closeness of relationship between Palestine and the new Egyptian government?” During the attack, masked gunmen dressed as Bedouin nomads opened fire on police with guns and rocket-propelled grenades, Egyptian state television reported. The Press TV presenter Lauren Booth asked Corbyn: “Would a Muslim go against his Egyptian brother and open fire?” Corbyn responded: “It seems a bit unlikely that would happen during Ramadan, to put it mildly, and I suspect the hand of Israel in this whole process of destabilisation.” The previous year Israel had conceded that several Egyptian police officers might have been killed accidentally by Israeli fire during an incursion by Palestinian militants. “Jeremy’s speculation about the perpetrators of the attacks on the Egyptian border guards was based on previous well-documented incidents of killings of Egyptian forces by the Israeli military,” a Labour party spokesman said. Yes, Jews are angry – because Labour hasn’t listened or shown any empathy | Jonathan Freedland Read more Ivor Caplin, chair of the Jewish Labour Movement, said: “Conspiracy theories underpin a huge swathe of antisemitism. The IHRA definition is clear about this. Jeremy needs to provide clarity on his views on this conspiracy theory and any others he may have aired in the past.” Dave Rich, head of policy at the charity Community Security Trust, said: “The debate about the IHRA definition and Labour’s code has been about the difference between clear antisemitism and criticism of Israel, but often the problem comes with an extreme hatred of Israel, often expressed through conspiracy theories that provide the bridge between the two.”