Camp H.M. Smith, HI
Trump’s Horrific Spelling Reassures Nation That He Cannot Correctly Enter Nuclear Codes. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s demonstrable inability to spell even the simplest words has reassured many that he lacks the aptitude to correctly enter the nuclear launch codes entrusted to the President of the United States. While millions of Americans have lost sleep over the thought of Trump being anywhere near the nuclear codes, his failure to spell such words as “heal” and “tap” suggests that mastering a more complicated sequence of letters or numbers would be well above his grade level. “Giving one person the power to launch the most destructive nuclear arsenal in the world has always been problematic,” Harland Dorrinson, the director of the Society for Nuclear Security, said. “In their infinite wisdom, the American people have solved that problem by electing someone whose brain would be utterly flummoxed by the task.” While Trump has demonstrated an ability to use simple tools, such as a television remote or a fork, Dorrinson does not foresee him mastering the nuclear codes anytime soon. “This is not exactly the system of checks and balances that the Constitution intended, but we should all be grateful for it,” he said.
The Story: Soon after the funeral of former President George Herbert Walker Bush, President Donald Trump nominated a...
My rocket is bigger than yours, Trump tells Kim Jong-un. President Donald Trump has told Kim Jong-un in no uncertain terms that he has the biggest rocket in the world and he’s prepared to blast it right in the North Korean leader’s face. With the nuclear threat from North Korea esculating almost daily, Trump took time out of his busy holiday schedule to set Kim Jong-un straight. ‘You think I want to be here when I could be on the golf course? This is what North Korea has made me do and I’m angry about it, so angry,’ began Trump. ‘There’s a lot of fake news on the internet about how I have a small rocket. Completely fake, so fake. Actually I have the biggest rocket in the world, much bigger than Kim Jong-un’s, and he’ll feel the full force of my rocket blast if he doesn’t back down.’ It is being called President Trump’s most phallic and borderline erotic speech to date. ‘Daddy can drop his fire and fury all over me any time he wants,’ said Conservative ring-piece Milo Yiannopoulos. Meanwhile the citizens of the world watch on as Earth begins to reach the climax of its final season with baited breath.
A tweet by President Trump about Senator Klobuchar's announcement set off a storm in all media (traditional, new, and social).