WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bold initiative aimed at ending the shutdown, congressional Democrats on Thursday agreed to fund a border wall and reopen the government if Donald Trump leaves the country forever. Calling the deal “a huge win for America,” the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, said that Trump would get the wall he wanted plus the opportunity to do something “incredibly patriotic” for his country. Pelosi brushed aside criticism of the offer’s 5.7-billion-dollar price tag, telling reporters, “When you consider what we are getting in return, nine trillion dollars would be a bargain.” But, even as Pelosi touted the offer, some details remained unresolved, such as finding a country willing to accept Trump. Although Russia has a practice of providing country houses to former leaders such as Nikita Khrushchev and Boris Yeltsin, it is unclear whether Trump’s two years of service to the Kremlin qualify him for such accommodations. The White House offered no official response to the Democrats’ offer, but Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani gave it a full-throated endorsement during an appearance on CNN. “He should absolutely take this deal,” Giuliani said. “I mean, if he stays in the country, he’s probably going to prison.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In blistering remarks aimed at House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Ann Coulter demanded on Tuesday that she be allowed to deliver the 2019 State of the Union address. “Nancy Pelosi should stop playing politics with the State of the Union,” Coulter told reporters. “Tradition dictates that I deliver that speech next week, and I intend to do just that.” The conservative pundit scoffed at congressional Democrats’ condition that she reopen the government before being able to deliver the State of the Union. “Clearly, since becoming Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has let power go to her head,” Coulter said. Coulter indicated that she would use the State of the Union to speak to the American people not only about the border wall but also about her plans for the economy, trade, and America’s role in NATO. “The American people have put tremendous faith in me,” she said. “I am not about to let Nancy Pelosi stop me from doing the job I was elected to do.”
The FBI has revealed that is has secured funding to build as many as THREE walls for Donald Trump, as well as a set of bars. With Robert Mueller beginning to wrap up his investigation into alleged collusion between Trump and Russia, the FBI has said they will build as many as three walls for the president. Should Trump Build Our Wall - National Opinion Poll Do you think Trump should fulfill his campaign promise to build a wall along our border? conservativebuzz.com ‘They probably won’t be as big as he was hoping though,’ admitted one FBI agent. The walls will stop anyone getting in or out of the secure location, which is exactly what Trump wished for. It’s hoped that the news will cheer up President Trump enough for him to end the government shutdown. ‘President Trump has already purchased over two thousand dollars worth of fast food. Although he refuses to share it with anybody,’ said a White House staffer.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an indication that he has reached his breaking point with the Speaker of the House, Donald J. Trump is offering a hundred and thirty thousand dollars to keep Nancy Pelosi quiet, White House aides confirmed on Thursday. According to those aides, Trump floated the idea of a six-figure payment to silence Pelosi during a closed-door meeting on Wednesday night, in which he asserted that he had done “a million of these deals.” Trump’s effort to mute Pelosi faces a number of obstacles, however, including the fact that the person who has crafted such agreements for Trump in the past, Michael Cohen, is not available to perform such a service now. Additionally, any agreement to silence Pelosi could face constitutional hurdles, since one of Pelosi’s principal duties as Speaker is to speak. At the Capitol, Pelosi said that she would reject Trump’s proposed payment and added that she would offer him no money whatsoever to prevent him from delivering this year’s State of the Union address. “I am asking for an hour of silence from Donald Trump, and you can’t put a price tag on that,” she said.
Conservative MPs are concerned for the mental health of Prime Minister Theresa May after she was found obsessively typing ‘All work and no Brexit makes Theresa a dull girl.’ Theresa was found in her office, with hundreds of stacks of the same line hand-typed over and over. ‘And she had that thousand-yard stare too. Like she was about to go “Full Metal Jacket”. It was the scariest thing I’ve seen in my political career other than Boris Johnson’s nip slip last summer,’ said one anonymous Conservative MP. The mental breakdown comes on the back of May suffering the largest parliamentary defeat of any prime minister in modern time over her proposed Brexit deal. Despite the worrying behaviour, the PM is back in the House of Commons today. She has been overheard muttering to herself her intentions to ‘correct’ the MPs who voted against her. Theresa has been praised for her resilience, with one Conservative MP calling her a ‘shining example of a selfless leader.’
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Most people who are innocent of any crimes will still need to hire thirty-five lawyers at some point, a new study shows. According to the study, commissioned by the University of Minnesota Law School, thirty-five is the “bare minimum” number of lawyers that an innocent person should have on retainer in the event that he or she becomes the subject of an entirely unjustified criminal investigation. “We found that many innocent people are going through life without taking the basic precaution of hiring thirty-five lawyers,” Professor Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, said. “They are flirting with disaster.” “An innocent person who has absolutely nothing to hide should do everything in his or her power to avoid answering questions from investigators,” he said. “Thirty-five lawyers can really help you do that.” Additionally, Logsdon noted, hiring nearly three dozen lawyers is invaluable because of the powerful statement it makes. “Nothing says ‘I’m innocent’ like hiring thirty-five lawyers,” he said. Although some innocent people may balk at the unwieldy number of lawyers that the study recommends, Logsdon emphasized that thirty-five lawyers provide necessary protection against unforeseen legal complications. “If, for example, one of your lawyers goes to prison, you will still have thirty-four,” he said. Logsdon acknowledged that, although every innocent person should definitely hire thirty-five lawyers, such legal help does not come cheap. “Legal bills for thirty-five lawyers can be very expensive, unless you’re a person who doesn’t pay his bills,” he said.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bid to end the government shutdown, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh said on Thursday that he would recycle his empties to pay for a wall with Mexico. Speaking to reporters from his office at the Court, Kavanaugh said that the inspiration came to him while he was building a beer-can pyramid in his basement rec room on Wednesday night. “I was in my man cave, building this rad beer pyramid, and I was, like, I bet if I recycled all the beer cans down here plus the ones out in the garage, I’d have enough to pay for that freaking wall,” the Supreme Court Justice said. He added that he started calling a number of his friends from Georgetown Prep to see if they would contribute their empties to the effort, and found that they were “totally stoked” about the idea. “P.J., Tobin, and Squee are all in,” he said. “This wall is gonna freaking rule.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The outgoing chief of staff, John Kelly, departed the White House with the nation’s nuclear codes hidden in his pants, General Kelly has confirmed. Kelly, whose illustrious military career spanned five decades, called his absconding with the nuclear codes “my greatest act of service to my country.” Speaking to reporters from his home, Kelly said that he had planned the heist of the nation’s nuclear codes with the pinpoint timing of a clandestine military mission. “I went into the Oval Office on Friday when I knew Trump would be distracted because ‘Fox & Friends’ was on,” he said. “Then, when he started tweeting something that one of the hosts told him to do, I slipped the codes into my pants, as quick as lightning.” Kelly revealed that, in order to prevent Trump from retrieving the codes, he was keeping them in his pants for safekeeping. “Let’s see that draft-dodging coward try to get them off me,” he said, his eyes gleaming with malice.
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—MSNBC will preempt Donald Trump’s national address on Tuesday night by airing Barack Obama’s keynote address at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, network officials have confirmed. Harland Dorrinson, an MSNBC spokesperson, said that the network elected to air the Obama speech “in order to best serve our audience.” “Based on the data gathered by our research department, the number of MSNBC viewers who were planning to watch the Trump speech was approximately zero,” Dorrinson said. “This seemed like a better way to go.” Since the Obama speech has a running time of only sixteen minutes, MSNBC plans to air it “over and over” until Trump has finished talking, Dorrinson said. “We’ll air it all night if we have to,” he said. The network spokesperson said that the White House had contacted MSNBC to argue that the network could not preëmpt a national address by Trump. “We had three words for them,” he said. “Yes we can.”
Britain will install a border gate after Brexit to protect the nation’s borders. It’s hoped the gate will either deter illegal immigration or stop people leaving the country on mass, depending on just how badly Brexit goes. The proposed border gate will consist of exactly one gate without any surrounding fence or wall to cut down costs. ‘Frankly, we’re taking a big loss of Brexit. A single gate is all we can muster from our budget,’ said one government chief. ‘If you don’t want to get tutted at, don’t sneak in. Or out,’ said the project head. Chris Grayling has already awarded the £20 million contract to build the gate to a nice chap he used to go to school with. ‘He already owns a hammer. I’ve done my research on this one,’ promised Grayling.