Trump’s Horrific Spelling Reassures Nation That He Cannot Correctly Enter Nuclear Codes. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s demonstrable inability to spell even the simplest words has reassured many that he lacks the aptitude to correctly enter the nuclear launch codes entrusted to the President of the United States. While millions of Americans have lost sleep over the thought of Trump being anywhere near the nuclear codes, his failure to spell such words as “heal” and “tap” suggests that mastering a more complicated sequence of letters or numbers would be well above his grade level. “Giving one person the power to launch the most destructive nuclear arsenal in the world has always been problematic,” Harland Dorrinson, the director of the Society for Nuclear Security, said. “In their infinite wisdom, the American people have solved that problem by electing someone whose brain would be utterly flummoxed by the task.” While Trump has demonstrated an ability to use simple tools, such as a television remote or a fork, Dorrinson does not foresee him mastering the nuclear codes anytime soon. “This is not exactly the system of checks and balances that the Constitution intended, but we should all be grateful for it,” he said.
Trump Says Sun Equally to Blame for Blocking Moon. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attacking the media for its “very unfair” coverage of Monday’s solar eclipse, Donald J. Trump said on Saturday that the sun was equally to blame for blocking the moon. “The fake news is covering the eclipse from the sun’s side instead of the moon’s side, but if you look at it from the moon’s side the sun is blocking the moon’s side,” he said. “There are so many sides you can’t count all the sides.” Additionally, Trump tore into the sun itself, calling it a “showboat” for its role in the solar eclipse. “The sun thinks the world revolves around it,” Trump said. “Sad.” Trump said the sun was a “big problem” that his predecessor, Barack Obama, did nothing to solve, but that that situation was about to change. “It will be handled—we handle everything,” Trump said, adding that a preëmptive military strike on the sun was “very much on the table.”
Controversy over Confederate Statues Inspires Betsy DeVos to Google Civil War. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The raging controversy over Confederate statues has impelled Betsy DeVos to Google the Civil War, the Education Secretary confirmed on Thursday. “People have been going on and on about the Civil War, and I was like, Betsy, what the heck are they talking about, exactly?” DeVos told reporters. “After a certain point, I decided I just had to Google it.” DeVos said that she was glad that she Googled the Civil War, calling it “an extremely fascinating chapter in American history that people need to find out about.” “Like President Trump has been saying, the Civil War had sides to it,” she said. “Although I don’t think it had many sides. I only counted two.” DeVos said that, prior to Googling the Civil War, she believed that parents should have a choice as to whether or not their children learned history in the nation’s schools, “but now I’m starting to rethink that.” “I guess you might say I’ve gotten bitten by the history bug,” DeVos said, adding that she was about to Google Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and George Washington.
Trump TV draws record ratings in Trump household. Donald Trump is celebrating today after being informed that Trump TV – his own personal TV network – received record ratings from within the Trump household. ‘This is bigly good,’ President Trump said. ‘The entire family are behind me 100%, maybe even more. What’s a number bigger than 100? If there is one, that’s how much they support me.’ ‘Real news’ focused on the positive in the Trump presidency so far and amazingly managed to last over three minutes. Unfortunately this was too long for the average Trump attention span. ‘I kind of got distracted and started looking at pictures of nudey women on my phone,’ admitted Eric Trump. The Trump family are hoping that Trump TV replaces Fox News as the number one watched news network in America. But we think it doesn’t go too far enough.
Millions Willing to Work for Mueller for Free If That Would Speed Things Up. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans would gladly work for Robert Mueller for free if that would help speed things up, a new poll finds. According to the survey, a substantial number of Americans would leave their jobs, their homes, and even their families to join the special counsel’s team if doing so would help bring this nightmare to a swifter conclusion. A spokesperson for the special counsel confirmed that his office has been receiving thousands of résumés a day from Americans begging to do anything to help Mueller “move things along.” “We saw a big surge in interest after the bust on Paul Manafort’s house,” the spokesperson said. “A lot of folks were devastated that they didn’t get to play a part in that.” The spokesperson said that, although the special counsel “really appreciates” the public’s interest in helping out, limitations on office space prevent Mueller from accommodating all of those who desperately want to pitch in. “We hate to disappoint people, but we’re overwhelmed,” the spokesperson said. “Right now, I have about five thousand résumés from people who just want to help investigate Jared.” Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com. Read more »
My rocket is bigger than yours, Trump tells Kim Jong-un. President Donald Trump has told Kim Jong-un in no uncertain terms that he has the biggest rocket in the world and he’s prepared to blast it right in the North Korean leader’s face. With the nuclear threat from North Korea esculating almost daily, Trump took time out of his busy holiday schedule to set Kim Jong-un straight. ‘You think I want to be here when I could be on the golf course? This is what North Korea has made me do and I’m angry about it, so angry,’ began Trump. ‘There’s a lot of fake news on the internet about how I have a small rocket. Completely fake, so fake. Actually I have the biggest rocket in the world, much bigger than Kim Jong-un’s, and he’ll feel the full force of my rocket blast if he doesn’t back down.’ It is being called President Trump’s most phallic and borderline erotic speech to date. ‘Daddy can drop his fire and fury all over me any time he wants,’ said Conservative ring-piece Milo Yiannopoulos. Meanwhile the citizens of the world watch on as Earth begins to reach the climax of its final season with baited breath.
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