Sunday, May 26, 2019

Eight Hundred Thousand People with Dreams to Be Deported by One with Delusions

Eight Hundred Thousand People with Dreams to Be Deported by One with Delusions. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Eight hundred thousand people with dreams will be deported by one person with delusions, sources confirmed on Tuesday. According to reports, U.S. residents who have obtained advanced degrees, served in the military, and saved people from Hurricane Harvey will be kicked out of the country by a man who believes that his microwave is spying on him. “Under this new decision, if you have worked hard, gone to school, and contributed to the country, you face immediate deportation,” one legal expert said. “On the other hand, if you can prove that you have a glaring personality disorder and a flimsy grasp on reality, you can decide the fate of those other people.” The delusional man defended his controversial decision late Tuesday afternoon, accompanied by several key voices in his head. “The people I am deporting are parasites who have exploited our economy,” the man, who has declared bankruptcy six times, said.

Reality slammed for displaying anti-Brexit bias

Reality slammed for displaying anti-Brexit bias. Reality has been called into question by a group of Brexiteers after having consistently displayed a clear anti-Brexit bias. With Brexit negotiations not going well for Britain and regular new evidence emerging on just how damaging it will be to Britain’s economy and place at the world table, Brexiteers are not happy. ‘I pay my taxes for a fair and balanced reality but this one clearly has a left-wing, Remain bias. How else can you explain how badly this entire process is going?’ questioned Jared Veto, a proud Brexiteer. ‘If I want to be a small-minded, petty-thinking bigot then that should be a legitimate option for me. It’s not right that reality keeps rubbing it in my face how wrong these things are,’ said Lee Evers, another Leaver. The government has said they will launch an official enquiry into the nature of reality with a timetable to be decided as soon as they learn how time works.

Donald Trump’s handwriting ‘coming along nicely’, teacher says

Donald Trump’s handwriting ‘coming along nicely’, teacher says. Donald Trump’s penmanship is improving by leaps and bounds since becoming president according to his private tutor. As president, Trump is often required to write handwritten notes to staff as well as dignitaries and world leaders. This was considered something of a problem as Trump hadn’t written a single word since leaving high school at the age of 32. But after dedicating himself to private tuition, the president’s handwriting is ‘coming along nicely’, or so says his private tutor. ‘He can be a bit of a handful in class because he’s so easily distracted. But when he’s focused he’s as capable as anyone I’ve ever taught,’ said Ms Hancock, who typically teaches junior school students who require extra help. Ms Hancock told us that the secret seems to be focusing him on Ivanka Trump. ‘He writes a lot of deeply passionate notes to Ivanka about how much he loves her. Ivanka, I’m assuming is his wife,’ she said.

Theresa May auditions for a part in Twin Peaks season 4

Theresa May auditions for a part in Twin Peaks season 4. Theresa May has admitted that she spent part of her summer break auditioning for the part of ‘Bowl Lady’, a big part in season 4 of Twin Peaks. The prime minister, who could soon found herself out of a job, used her time off wisely to look at other avenues of employment. This included an audition in front of David Lynch and Mark Frost, the two men behind the mystifying Twin Peaks series. The ‘Bowl Lady’ character is creepy, elderly lady who walks around the Twin Peaks talking into a carved wooden bowl. David Lynch personally spotted Theresa May’s unnatural movements and mannerisms and hand-picked her for the role. ‘That prime minister you hate is going to come back in style,’ he told us. While the exact nature of the role remains under wraps, it’s believed that May smashed the audition out of the park. ‘One never knows about these things, but I think it went yrev, very well.’
Late Show's Alter Egos III: Trump World

Late Show’s Alter Egos III: Trump World

When Stephen Colbert talks about a White House personality on The Late Show, he feels it's important to mention that person's alter ego. Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel HERE: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube For more content from "The Late Show with Stephen…

Theresa May attacks ‘unacceptable face of capitalism’; injures husband

Theresa May attacks ‘unacceptable face of capitalism’; injures husband. Philip May, husband of Theresa May, has been hospitalised after the prime minister took advice to ‘attack the unacceptable face of capitalism’ way too literally. With politicians returning to work after a summer break, Theresa May has been encouraged by advisors to go after big businesses whom aggressively pursue tax loopholes and overpay upper-management. ‘We need to be seen to care about this. We don’t, of course, we bloody love it. Even empty words carry weight with some people though and that should be enough to keep the plebs off our back for awhile,’ one source in the party told us. Philip May is a senior executive at an investment firm worth a billion pounds. So when Theresa May was told to ‘attack the unacceptable face of capitalism’ she when straight to her husband and attempted to gouge out his eyes. While her aggression was misdirected, Theresa May is being applauded for putting her party above her personal life. Philip May is currently recovering in hospital where his condition is being described as strong and stable.

Donald Trump’s handwriting ‘coming along nicely’, teacher says

Donald Trump’s handwriting ‘coming along nicely’, teacher says. Donald Trump’s penmanship is improving by leaps and bounds since becoming president according to his private tutor. As president, Trump is often required to write handwritten notes to staff as well as dignitaries and world leaders. This was considered something of a problem as Trump hadn’t written a single word since leaving high school at the age of 32. But after dedicating himself to private tuition, the president’s handwriting is ‘coming along nicely’, or so says his private tutor. ‘He can be a bit of a handful in class because he’s so easily distracted. But when he’s focused he’s as capable as anyone I’ve ever taught,’ said Ms Hancock, who typically teaches junior school students who require extra help. Ms Hancock told us that the secret seems to be focusing him on Ivanka Trump. ‘He writes a lot of deeply passionate notes to Ivanka about how much he loves her. Ivanka, I’m assuming is his wife,’ she said.

Steve Bannon’s local liquor store posts record profits for third consecutive quarter

Steve Bannon’s local liquor store posts record profits for third consecutive quarter. The economy continues to strengthen under Donald Trump’s presidency after Steve Bannon’s local liquor store posted record profits for the third consecutive quarter. The liquor store, which is located within staggering distance of Steve Bannon’s home, is making money ‘hand over fist’ thanks to the drinking habits of Trump’s former advisor. ‘He’s by far our best customer,’ said store owner Sadiq Ali, 42. ‘And he’s drinking more than ever since he got laid off by Trump.’ It’s believed that Steve Bannon personally accounts for almost 90% of the liquor store’s net profits. While Bannon might not typically care for Muslims, he has no issues with laying down his money at Mr Ali’s establishment. ‘He’s always very nice and polite to my face. He calls this his happy place,’ said Mr Ali. The liquor store is making enough money that Mr Ali can afford health insurance for himself and all his family as well as putting all four of his children through college. Steve Bannon has denied that all the alcohol purchased was for his own personal consumption, calling allegations of alcoholism a ‘slur’ against his good name.

The sun ignores warnings not to look directly at Donald Trump

The sun ignores warnings not to look directly at Donald Trump. The sun is said to be in ‘incredible pain’, physically, mentally and emotionally, after ignoring warnings not to look directly at Donald Trump. With President Donald Trump stood on the balcony of the White House, the sun ignored all health and safety advice by looking directly at the large orange mass. ‘I’d heard so much about him that I just wanted a little peek for myself,’ said the sun. ‘I thought a second wouldn’t make a difference but when we locked eyes it was like staring into a soul-sucking abyss.’ Frozen in fear, the sun managed to scream loudly enough to alert the moon. The moon took it upon itself to shield the sun from Trump, possibly saving the sun from mortal destruction. ‘I’m no hero,’ the moon told us. ‘I just did what anyone would have done. We need the light to combat the dark; and there’s nothing darker in the cosmos than Donald Trump right now.’ Trump has already taken to Twitter to call the entire event ‘fake news’ despite millions across America seeing the moon block the sun with their own eyes in a happening being called an ‘eclipse’ by scientists.

Trump’s Horrific Spelling Reassures Nation That He Cannot Correctly Enter Nuclear Codes

Trump’s Horrific Spelling Reassures Nation That He Cannot Correctly Enter Nuclear Codes. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s demonstrable inability to spell even the simplest words has reassured many that he lacks the aptitude to correctly enter the nuclear launch codes entrusted to the President of the United States. While millions of Americans have lost sleep over the thought of Trump being anywhere near the nuclear codes, his failure to spell such words as “heal” and “tap” suggests that mastering a more complicated sequence of letters or numbers would be well above his grade level. “Giving one person the power to launch the most destructive nuclear arsenal in the world has always been problematic,” Harland Dorrinson, the director of the Society for Nuclear Security, said. “In their infinite wisdom, the American people have solved that problem by electing someone whose brain would be utterly flummoxed by the task.” While Trump has demonstrated an ability to use simple tools, such as a television remote or a fork, Dorrinson does not foresee him mastering the nuclear codes anytime soon. “This is not exactly the system of checks and balances that the Constitution intended, but we should all be grateful for it,” he said.