Theresa May told Andrew Marr today that her being a robot simply does not compute with the logic function within her CPU. Whilst critics of the prime minister have called her ‘robotic’ and claimed she has less empathy than a Henry Hoover, Theresa May has vehemently denied the claims. ‘Me being a robot simply does not compute, Andrew,’ she said during her appearance on The Andrew Marr Show. ‘So because she’s a terrible PM she thinks that means she can’t be a robot? Maybe she’s just a robot who’s been really poorly programmed, or well programmed by a really sick mind,’ said one unconvinced viewer. Facing internal pressure for her party to seem more passionate and humane, Theresa May has turned to WD-40 to help her appear looser on camera.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an experience that he called “traumatic” and “horrifying,” the departing Health and Human Services Secretary, Tom Price, was seated between two screaming babies Friday night on his first-ever commercial flight. Price, who was flying from Washington, D.C., to his home in Georgia just hours after resigning from his Cabinet position, reacted with alarm after discovering that the airline had assigned him a middle seat between two passengers holding inconsolably shrieking babies on their laps. Moments after making his terrible discovery, Price urgently called for a flight attendant and reportedly told her, “There are babies on this aircraft.
. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans who feared that Barack Obama would come for their guns are happy that Donald Trump is coming for their health care, a new report finds. “In Europe, everyone has health care and no one has guns,” he said.
North Korea's despotic leader counters Trump's 'Rocket Man' nickname with a disproportionate amount of Elton John insults. Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel HERE: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube For more content from "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert", click HERE: http://bit.ly/1AKISnR Watch full…
Brand new music video from Donald Trump. Enjoy!
In Stunning New Deal with Democrats, Trump Agrees to Be Impeached. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his most stunning deal yet with Democratic leaders, Donald Trump agreed on Friday to be impeached by the end of 2017. Emerging from an Oval Office meeting with Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, a beaming Trump touted the deal for his imminent removal from office. “Chuck and Nancy and I got a deal done on impeachment,” Trump said. “It was a good deal and it was a fast deal.” Trump said that the Democrats had convinced him that agreeing to be impeached would make him soar in popularity. “People are going to love me for doing this,” Trump said. “They’re going to love it on all the channels.” In a barb aimed at House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Trump said that the impeachment agreement was something he “never could have gotten done” with the Republican leadership. “I went around and around with the Republicans for months on health care,” he said. “This meeting with Chuck and Nancy took, what, five minutes, and I could get back to watching TV.” Hoping to capitalize on their momentum, Pelosi and Schumer said that they would meet with Trump next week to discuss the ouster of Vice-President Mike Pence.
DWP declares Theresa May unfit to do f*cking anything. The Department for Work and Pensions has officially declared Theresa May unfit to work after thoroughly assessing both her physical and mental capabilities. While the prime minister came through the physical section of the test fine, she failed to convince her assessor that she was either mentally or emotionally fit to work. ‘As soon as I asked her her name she broke down crying, and when I asked her what she does she just repeatedly said “strong and stable”. She’s clearly not a well woman and I don’t believe that work is in her, or the country’s, best interest,’ said DWP assessor Mark Cambridge, 38. ‘Honestly, I wouldn’t put her in charge of peeling a banana right now.’ But it’s believed that Theresa May has no intention of stepping down from her position as prime minister at this time. ‘I need to set an example to the people of Britain,’ she said. ‘You grin and bear the pain until you die. That’s the British way.’ Leading Conservative Party members have clubbed together to send Theresa a get well soon card which has been charged to their expense accounts.
White House Rejects Supremacist Label: “No One Has Done More Than Trump to Prove White People Are Not Superior”. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Upbraiding the ESPN anchor Jemele Hill for calling Donald Trump a “white supremacist,” the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said on Wednesday that “no one has done more than President Trump to prove that white people are not superior.” “It’s grossly unfair that Ms. Hill sought to portray Donald Trump as an upholder of white supremacy, when everything he says or does directly undermines that whole concept,” Sanders said. “Anyone who thinks that Donald Trump is on some mission to make white people look good hasn’t been paying attention.” Sanders urged the ESPN anchor to “do her homework” on Trump before making baseless allegations. “Read his tweets,” she said. “Listen to his speeches. If you still think Donald Trump is trying to prove that white people are superior, I tip my hat to you.” Ending on a personal note, Sanders said that she was “a hundred-per-cent sure” that her boss is not a white supremacist. “Donald Trump cannot even spell the word ‘supremacist,’ ” she said.
CBS Criticized for Airing Graphic Horror Program Without Viewer Advisory. NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—CBS ignited a firestorm of controversy on Sunday night after it broadcast a shockingly graphic horror program without any viewer advisory. Millions of viewers who unwittingly tuned in to the highly upsetting program recoiled in revulsion and took to social media to rip CBS. “It’s appalling to think that you would even consider broadcasting such a thing at seven o’clock, when children could be watching,” one viewer wrote. “Shame on CBS.” Another irate viewer complained that he was “in total disbelief” that CBS would air such disturbing content with no warning preceding it. “I may never get those nightmarish images out of my head,” he wrote. Responding to the avalanche of criticism, the chief executive of CBS, Leslie Moonves, said that he doubted that a viewer advisory before the program would have made a difference. “I knew what was coming, and I was still terrified by what I saw,” he said.
Researchers Identify Gene for Awfulness. LEEDS (The Borowitz Report)—In a finding that has wide-ranging implications for society, British researchers at the University of Leeds announced on Saturday that they have identified the gene for awfulness. The study, which focussed on one adult male and three of his adult children, makes a persuasive argument that there is a “powerful dominant gene” that makes people heinous. “When we began our research, we wanted to find an adult male with pronounced characteristics of horribleness,” Alistair Dorrinson, the scientist who led the study, said. “In studying three of his adult offspring, we found that they were all carriers of the gene that makes one smug, tone-deaf, and oblivious to the fate of others.” Additionally, certain subtraits of awfulness, such as an inability to tell the truth, appear to be genetically mediated, Dorrinson said. Hopes that the gene for horribleness might eventually become diluted as its carriers mate with the general population were dashed when the scientists studied the mating history of the adult daughter in the sample group. “Unfortunately, those who carry the gene for awfulness are more likely to reproduce with other carriers of the same gene,” the scientist said. Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com. Read more »