WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a stirring defense of Donald Trump’s chief of staff, General John Kelly, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said on Friday that it was “unpatriotic in the extreme” to offer irrefutable video proof that a four-star general lied. “It is unpatriotic enough to accuse a four-star general of lying,” Sanders told the White House press corps.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Just minutes after the publisher Larry Flynt offered ten million dollars in exchange for information leading to Donald Trump’s impeachment, Trump contacted Flynt and said that he would gladly provide the information himself in exchange for the cash. According to Flynt, shortly after their phone conversation Trump sent him a voluminous number of e-mails, phone records, and other evidence of impeachable offenses, after which Flynt wired ten million dollars to Trump’s Swiss bank account. “That was a lot easier than I thought it would be, to be honest,” Flynt told reporters. The swift denouement to Trump’s tenure in the White House raised more than a few eyebrows in Washington, with some insiders wondering if Trump’s eagerness to accept the ten-million-dollar payment indicated that his net worth was considerably smaller than he had professed. Robert Mueller, the independent counsel investigating Trump’s ties to Russia, expressed some sadness that he was not able to bring his probe to a conclusion. “I don’t know what evidence Trump had against himself, but I guarantee you I had more,” he said.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump said on Friday that his I.Q. is “even higher” now that he knows that the United States Virgin Islands are part of the United States. “Quite frankly, a few weeks ago, when I learned that Puerto Rico was a part of the U.S., I thought that that boosted my I.Q. to a whole new level,” Trump said. “If there was a question about that on an I.Q. test does not exist that can accurately measure his ballooning intelligence.
INDIANAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—A poll taken after Vice-President Mike Pence made headlines on Sunday with an abrupt early departure reveals that a broad majority of Americans hope that Donald Trump follows Pence’s example and leaves early, as well. In a striking result, the poll shows that Trump’s early exit would be approximately a thousand times more popular than the one Pence participated in on Sunday.
"Leave me out of it for a second,” she said. “He doesn’t even work on Saturdays because he’s a Jewish person and whatnot, but he doesn’t have to because of his huge brain and all. He’s so smart I have a nickname for him.
Theresa May is willing herself through one more day of being prime minister for the 120th consecutive day, it’s emerged. The embattled PM has been telling herself that she just needs to hold on for one more day ever since the General Election on June 8th, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult with Conservative backbenchers calling for her to resign. ‘Just one more day. One more *cough* day. Strong and *cough* stable for one more day,’ she has been witnessed muttering to herself. While she is showing grim determination to cling on to power, those around her believe that Theresa May is incredibly close to cracking. ‘She’s lost something inside herself,’ confided one anonymous cabinet member.
stressed that he and Trump were in agreement on a broad range of issues. “From North Korea to Iran to China, there is no daylight between me and this imbecile,” he said. Tillerson also took pains to deny that he was ever close to resigning from his Cabinet post. “When I promise a cretin that I am going to do a job, I stay until the job is finished,” he said.
SAN JUAN (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the move an “urgent response to recent unfortunate events,” Puerto Rico has issued a sweeping travel ban on malignant narcissists, effective immediately. Starting on Wednesday, Customs and Border Protection officials at Puerto Rico’s ports of entry will be equipped with the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–V) issued by the American Psychiatric Association, and will be instructed to look for symptoms of malignant narcissism in those attempting to enter. “If port officials encounter a visitor who has a pompous and arrogant demeanor, needs the constant admiration of others, and is unwilling to empathize with others’ feelings, wishes, or needs, that visitor will be denied entry,” a Puerto Rican government statement read. Puerto Rico took the forceful action after an incident on Tuesday, in which a man with narcissistic-personality disorder gained entry to the island and inexplicably hurled projectiles at unwitting Puerto Ricans. “We had to do something,” one government official said.
Theresa May told Andrew Marr today that her being a robot simply does not compute with the logic function within her CPU. Whilst critics of the prime minister have called her ‘robotic’ and claimed she has less empathy than a Henry Hoover, Theresa May has vehemently denied the claims. ‘Me being a robot simply does not compute, Andrew,’ she said during her appearance on The Andrew Marr Show. ‘So because she’s a terrible PM she thinks that means she can’t be a robot? Maybe she’s just a robot who’s been really poorly programmed, or well programmed by a really sick mind,’ said one unconvinced viewer. Facing internal pressure for her party to seem more passionate and humane, Theresa May has turned to WD-40 to help her appear looser on camera.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an experience that he called “traumatic” and “horrifying,” the departing Health and Human Services Secretary, Tom Price, was seated between two screaming babies Friday night on his first-ever commercial flight. Price, who was flying from Washington, D.C., to his home in Georgia just hours after resigning from his Cabinet position, reacted with alarm after discovering that the airline had assigned him a middle seat between two passengers holding inconsolably shrieking babies on their laps. Moments after making his terrible discovery, Price urgently called for a flight attendant and reportedly told her, “There are babies on this aircraft.