When Stephen Colbert talks about a White House personality on The Late Show, he feels it's important to mention that person's alter ego. Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel HERE: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube For more content from "The Late Show with Stephen…
Theresa May attacks ‘unacceptable face of capitalism’; injures husband. Philip May, husband of Theresa May, has been hospitalised after the prime minister took advice to ‘attack the unacceptable face of capitalism’ way too literally. With politicians returning to work after a summer break, Theresa May has been encouraged by advisors to go after big businesses whom aggressively pursue tax loopholes and overpay upper-management. ‘We need to be seen to care about this. We don’t, of course, we bloody love it. Even empty words carry weight with some people though and that should be enough to keep the plebs off our back for awhile,’ one source in the party told us. Philip May is a senior executive at an investment firm worth a billion pounds. So when Theresa May was told to ‘attack the unacceptable face of capitalism’ she when straight to her husband and attempted to gouge out his eyes. While her aggression was misdirected, Theresa May is being applauded for putting her party above her personal life. Philip May is currently recovering in hospital where his condition is being described as strong and stable.
Donald Trump’s handwriting ‘coming along nicely’, teacher says. Donald Trump’s penmanship is improving by leaps and bounds since becoming president according to his private tutor. As president, Trump is often required to write handwritten notes to staff as well as dignitaries and world leaders. This was considered something of a problem as Trump hadn’t written a single word since leaving high school at the age of 32. But after dedicating himself to private tuition, the president’s handwriting is ‘coming along nicely’, or so says his private tutor. ‘He can be a bit of a handful in class because he’s so easily distracted. But when he’s focused he’s as capable as anyone I’ve ever taught,’ said Ms Hancock, who typically teaches junior school students who require extra help. Ms Hancock told us that the secret seems to be focusing him on Ivanka Trump. ‘He writes a lot of deeply passionate notes to Ivanka about how much he loves her. Ivanka, I’m assuming is his wife,’ she said.
Steve Bannon’s local liquor store posts record profits for third consecutive quarter. The economy continues to strengthen under Donald Trump’s presidency after Steve Bannon’s local liquor store posted record profits for the third consecutive quarter. The liquor store, which is located within staggering distance of Steve Bannon’s home, is making money ‘hand over fist’ thanks to the drinking habits of Trump’s former advisor. ‘He’s by far our best customer,’ said store owner Sadiq Ali, 42. ‘And he’s drinking more than ever since he got laid off by Trump.’ It’s believed that Steve Bannon personally accounts for almost 90% of the liquor store’s net profits. While Bannon might not typically care for Muslims, he has no issues with laying down his money at Mr Ali’s establishment. ‘He’s always very nice and polite to my face. He calls this his happy place,’ said Mr Ali. The liquor store is making enough money that Mr Ali can afford health insurance for himself and all his family as well as putting all four of his children through college. Steve Bannon has denied that all the alcohol purchased was for his own personal consumption, calling allegations of alcoholism a ‘slur’ against his good name.
The sun ignores warnings not to look directly at Donald Trump. The sun is said to be in ‘incredible pain’, physically, mentally and emotionally, after ignoring warnings not to look directly at Donald Trump. With President Donald Trump stood on the balcony of the White House, the sun ignored all health and safety advice by looking directly at the large orange mass. ‘I’d heard so much about him that I just wanted a little peek for myself,’ said the sun. ‘I thought a second wouldn’t make a difference but when we locked eyes it was like staring into a soul-sucking abyss.’ Frozen in fear, the sun managed to scream loudly enough to alert the moon. The moon took it upon itself to shield the sun from Trump, possibly saving the sun from mortal destruction. ‘I’m no hero,’ the moon told us. ‘I just did what anyone would have done. We need the light to combat the dark; and there’s nothing darker in the cosmos than Donald Trump right now.’ Trump has already taken to Twitter to call the entire event ‘fake news’ despite millions across America seeing the moon block the sun with their own eyes in a happening being called an ‘eclipse’ by scientists.
Trump’s Horrific Spelling Reassures Nation That He Cannot Correctly Enter Nuclear Codes. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s demonstrable inability to spell even the simplest words has reassured many that he lacks the aptitude to correctly enter the nuclear launch codes entrusted to the President of the United States. While millions of Americans have lost sleep over the thought of Trump being anywhere near the nuclear codes, his failure to spell such words as “heal” and “tap” suggests that mastering a more complicated sequence of letters or numbers would be well above his grade level. “Giving one person the power to launch the most destructive nuclear arsenal in the world has always been problematic,” Harland Dorrinson, the director of the Society for Nuclear Security, said. “In their infinite wisdom, the American people have solved that problem by electing someone whose brain would be utterly flummoxed by the task.” While Trump has demonstrated an ability to use simple tools, such as a television remote or a fork, Dorrinson does not foresee him mastering the nuclear codes anytime soon. “This is not exactly the system of checks and balances that the Constitution intended, but we should all be grateful for it,” he said.
Trump Says Sun Equally to Blame for Blocking Moon. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attacking the media for its “very unfair” coverage of Monday’s solar eclipse, Donald J. Trump said on Saturday that the sun was equally to blame for blocking the moon. “The fake news is covering the eclipse from the sun’s side instead of the moon’s side, but if you look at it from the moon’s side the sun is blocking the moon’s side,” he said. “There are so many sides you can’t count all the sides.” Additionally, Trump tore into the sun itself, calling it a “showboat” for its role in the solar eclipse. “The sun thinks the world revolves around it,” Trump said. “Sad.” Trump said the sun was a “big problem” that his predecessor, Barack Obama, did nothing to solve, but that that situation was about to change. “It will be handled—we handle everything,” Trump said, adding that a preëmptive military strike on the sun was “very much on the table.”
Controversy over Confederate Statues Inspires Betsy DeVos to Google Civil War. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The raging controversy over Confederate statues has impelled Betsy DeVos to Google the Civil War, the Education Secretary confirmed on Thursday. “People have been going on and on about the Civil War, and I was like, Betsy, what the heck are they talking about, exactly?” DeVos told reporters. “After a certain point, I decided I just had to Google it.” DeVos said that she was glad that she Googled the Civil War, calling it “an extremely fascinating chapter in American history that people need to find out about.” “Like President Trump has been saying, the Civil War had sides to it,” she said. “Although I don’t think it had many sides. I only counted two.” DeVos said that, prior to Googling the Civil War, she believed that parents should have a choice as to whether or not their children learned history in the nation’s schools, “but now I’m starting to rethink that.” “I guess you might say I’ve gotten bitten by the history bug,” DeVos said, adding that she was about to Google Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and George Washington.
Trump TV draws record ratings in Trump household. Donald Trump is celebrating today after being informed that Trump TV – his own personal TV network – received record ratings from within the Trump household. ‘This is bigly good,’ President Trump said. ‘The entire family are behind me 100%, maybe even more. What’s a number bigger than 100? If there is one, that’s how much they support me.’ ‘Real news’ focused on the positive in the Trump presidency so far and amazingly managed to last over three minutes. Unfortunately this was too long for the average Trump attention span. ‘I kind of got distracted and started looking at pictures of nudey women on my phone,’ admitted Eric Trump. The Trump family are hoping that Trump TV replaces Fox News as the number one watched news network in America. But we think it doesn’t go too far enough.
Millions Willing to Work for Mueller for Free If That Would Speed Things Up. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans would gladly work for Robert Mueller for free if that would help speed things up, a new poll finds. According to the survey, a substantial number of Americans would leave their jobs, their homes, and even their families to join the special counsel’s team if doing so would help bring this nightmare to a swifter conclusion. A spokesperson for the special counsel confirmed that his office has been receiving thousands of résumés a day from Americans begging to do anything to help Mueller “move things along.” “We saw a big surge in interest after the bust on Paul Manafort’s house,” the spokesperson said. “A lot of folks were devastated that they didn’t get to play a part in that.” The spokesperson said that, although the special counsel “really appreciates” the public’s interest in helping out, limitations on office space prevent Mueller from accommodating all of those who desperately want to pitch in. “We hate to disappoint people, but we’re overwhelmed,” the spokesperson said. “Right now, I have about five thousand résumés from people who just want to help investigate Jared.” Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com. Read more »