Tuesday, June 25, 2019

White House Claims Flynn’s Job Was to Make Coffee When Papadopoulos Was Busy

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House called an unscheduled press briefing on Sunday to clarify Michael T. Flynn’s role in the Trump campaign, claiming that his job consisted entirely of making coffee when George Papadopoulos was busy with other matters. “Sometimes, we would ask for coffee and George was otherwise occupied,” the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said. “At that point, Michael Flynn would step in and make that coffee.” When asked what role Flynn’s son, Michael G. Flynn, played in the campaign, Sanders indicated that he, too, was involved in coffee-making to the exclusion of all other responsibilities. “There were many times when the two Flynns would make coffee together,” she said. “The father would actually make the coffee, and the son would add the creamer, sweetener, and whatnot.” Sanders said that, in the weeks to come, the White House is likely to release the names of additional campaign staffers whose roles were limited to the preparation of coffee beverages, and that such names might include Jared Kushner and Donald Trump, Jr. “This was a campaign that drank a great deal of coffee,” she explained.

Poll: Americans Were Sort of Hoping Mueller Would Arrest Someone New Every Day

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After a memorable Monday, in which the special counsel announced criminal charges against three men associated with Donald Trump’s campaign, millions of Americans were sort of hoping that Robert Mueller would arrest someone new every day, a new poll indicates. According to the poll, Monday’s news that Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, and George Papadopoulos had been charged may have unfairly raised Americans’ expectations that Mueller would be generating new arrests at the rate of at least three a day. “Monday was one of the happiest days of my life,” one poll respondent said. “It started out great with Manafort and Gates, and then, bam, out of nowhere, Papadopoulos. I guess I started hoping all days would be like that.” Although Jared Kushner and Donald Trump, Jr., continue to be Americans’ most popular picks for the person Mueller arrests next, the poll suggests that, at this point, the indictment-starved public would be willing to settle for a lesser-known figure. “It doesn’t have to be someone I’ve heard of, like Ivanka or Pence,” one poll respondent said. “I’d be happy with Michael Flynn’s son, and I’m not even clear what he did in all of this.” Perhaps in response to the poll results, Mueller on Thursday issued the following official statement: “I understand people’s eagerness for more arrests, but all I can say is that if they’re patient we have some new ones coming up that are just amazing.”

Trump Accuses Clinton of Deliberately Losing Election So He Could Be Impeached

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what might be his most startling allegation against his former election opponent, Donald Trump on Wednesday accused Hillary Clinton of deliberately losing the 2016 election just so that he could be impeached. “How could one of the most experienced politicians in history lose to the most unfit candidate ever?” Trump asked reporters. “Crooked Hillary lost on purpose because she wanted me to be impeached.” Explaining Clinton’s motives for intentionally sabotaging her quest for an office she had coveted for decades, Trump said, “Hillary Clinton is more than a nasty woman. She is an evil woman, and her sick mind is capable of anything.” Trump said that instead of reporting the “fake story” of his campaign’s collusion with the Russians, the media should focus on Clinton’s “diabolical scheme to lose the election.” “I don’t know if Hillary Clinton lost the election on her own,” Trump said. “Maybe she asked the Russians to help her lose. But the fact is, Hillary Clinton deliberately plotted to put me in the White House, and the American people should be very angry about that.”

White House shows Halloween spirit with rotten orange pumpkin display

The White House is being praised for joining in with Halloween after reporters spotted a hideous looking rotten pumpkin on display on the lawn. The pumpkin is said to be over 6 feet tall and could weigh as much as 300lbs. While no-one is quite sure what it has been carved into, it’s being praised for its lifelike hideously deformed nature. ‘It almost looks like a real person but the orange flesh is a dead give away that it’s a pumpkin carved to look like some freak of nature. The hands are out of proportion too,’ said one reporter. Local residents have become enamoured with the rotten pumpkin, which has even been fitted with an internal speaker to say crude phrases such as ‘lock her up’ and ‘sad’. ‘It’s vocabulary isn’t very impressive. Maybe it’s meant to be a brain-dead zombie or something,’ said one visitor. In other news, President Trump has been reported missing since last Friday.

Trump Unsure Who This Manafort Person Is

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Asked to comment on the arrest of Paul Manafort on Monday, Donald Trump told reporters that he was not sure “who this Manafort person is.” “There’s been a lot of talk about this guy, Peter Manafort, or whoever, this morning,” Trump said. “The name doesn’t really ring a bell with me. I’ll have to have someone Google him and figure out exactly who he’s supposed to be.” When reporters pointed out that Manafort had been his campaign chairman in 2016, Trump responded angrily. “I just told you I never heard of him,” he said. I can’t even remember his name. That’s proof.” Before bringing his conversation with reporters to an abrupt close, Trump offered a theory of who Manafort might be. “You’re telling me he ran a campaign,” Trump said. “If he ran anybody’s campaign, it was Hillary’s.” On Capitol Hill, Trump’s Republican defenders seized on his denial and called for immediate hearings to determine possible links between Hillary Clinton and Paul Manafort. “What’s becoming crystal clear is that, while pretending to be Donald Trump’s campaign chairman, Paul Manafort was actually Hillary Clinton’s campaign chairman,” Representative Trey Gowdy, of South Carolina, said. “That’s the real story here.”

Excited Crowd Outside Mueller’s Office Awaits First Arrest

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A crowd estimated in the hundreds of thousands has gathered outside the office of Robert Mueller in eager anticipation of the special counsel’s first arrest in the Russia probe. Minutes after news was leaked that charges had been filed, Americans from across the country descended on Mueller’s office to witness firsthand what many called the beginning of the end of the nightmare. “I can’t believe this day has finally come,” Carol Foyler, who drove from North Carolina, said. “My husband is having surgery today, but I didn’t want to miss this.” Although the gathering has been largely peaceful, isolated arguments have erupted over which member of Trump’s circle the attendees would like Mueller to arrest first. A faction shouting “Don, Jr.” started pushing and shoving another group chanting “Jared” before police intervened. One policeman said that law enforcement had been flabbergasted by the size of the crowd, which could reach a million. “We definitely didn’t see anything like this at the Inauguration,” he said.

Trump Cancels Entire Schedule to Focus on Choosing Insulting Nickname for Bob Corker

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump cancelled his entire schedule on Tuesday to focus all his energy on choosing an insulting nickname for the Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, aides have confirmed. Trump rejected his first attempt at a demeaning moniker for the senator, “liddle’ Bob Corker,” because he felt that he had used the “liddle’ ” construction too much in the past and feared that it was getting old. “The President has very high standards for the insulting nicknames he uses,” an aide explained. “He was not about to settle for ‘liddle’.’ ” Trump thought he had a winner when he came up with “Corker the Porker,” until aides pointed out that the Republican senator from Tennessee has an average physique, to which such an insult would not accurately apply. At midday, Trump was reportedly “very excited” by the idea of calling the Tennesseean “Bob Mothercorker,” until his daughter Ivanka begged him not to do so. Trump’s task was compounded later in the day, when it became clear that he would also have to figure out an insulting name for Senator Jeff Flake of Arizona. “All he keeps coming up with is ‘Jeff Flake,’ ” an aide said.

Trump Says He Is Only President in History with Courage to Stand Up to...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Calling himself “unbelievably brave,” Donald Trump said on Monday that he is the only President in U.S. history with the courage to stand up to war widows. “You look at guys like Obama and Clinton and the Bushes, when it came to war widows, they all blinked,” he said. “For years, we weren’t winning at widows.” In contrast, Trump said, he has made defeating war widows one of his top priorities as President. “Forget about Iran and China and Little Rocket Man,” he said. “This country has been pushed around by war widows for far too long.” Trump said that Senator John McCain, who has mocked the President’s draft-dodging during Vietnam, has “never shown an ounce of courage when it comes to fighting war widows.” “McCain can talk about what he did in Vietnam all he wants,” Trump said. “But the guys who have gone toe to toe with a war widow, contradicted her version of events, and refused to back down—we are the true heroes.”

Trump Knocked Out in First Round of White House I.Q. Test

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an I.Q.-test tournament devised by Donald Trump to determine the smartest person in his Administration, Trump suffered a humiliating defeat on Tuesday, getting knocked out in the first round by Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. Trump had personally created the brackets for the tournament, which he had hoped would lead to an I.Q.-championship showdown between him and Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. “He was determined to face Betsy in the first round,” a White House source said of Trump. “He thought it would be like a bye week.” Trump was stung by DeVos’s upset win, however, and lashed out at the I.Q. test itself, calling it both “fake” and “rigged,” according to the source. test,” the source said. “He had forgotten there was a spelling section.” Elsewhere in the I.Q. tournament, other members of the Trump family were knocked out in the first round as well, with Ivanka Trump falling to Vice-President Mike Pence; Donald Trump, Jr., losing to Trump’s press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders; and Jared Kushner reportedly suffering a lopsided defeat at the hands of Secretary of Energy Rick Perry. Trump’s son Eric did not participate in the tournament. “That would have been cruel,” the source said.

Obama Begins Calling American People to Console Them About Trump Being President

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama has started calling every person in America to offer consolation about Donald Trump being President, Obama has confirmed. “It’s something I meant to do right after the Inauguration,” Obama said, during a brief break from the phone calls. “I feel terrible that I didn’t get to it sooner.” The former President said that, although the phone calls are a small gesture, he felt that he had to do whatever he could to extend his sympathy about Trump being President. “There’s a lot of pain out there that a phone call from me can never fix,” he said. “Still, I want people to know that I care.” Carol Foyler, who has been grieving since Trump was elected, last November, said that receiving a call from Obama on Monday “meant a lot.” “The fact that he took the time to call me, when he had three hundred million more people left to call, is something I’ll never forget,” she said.