Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Iraq Offers to Help Establish Democracy in North Carolina

BAGHDAD (The Borowitz Report)—The government of Iraq announced on Tuesday that it would seek to build an international coalition to establish democracy in the state of North Carolina. Speaking to reporters in Baghdad, the Iraqi President, Barham Salih, said that Iraq had reached out to regional powers including Canada and Mexico to launch a military invasion of North Carolina’s Ninth Congressional District to “protect the North Carolinians’ right to self-determination.” While many in the international community commended Salih’s desire to bring democracy to North Carolina, some critics warned that the effort could wind up destabilizing other American states. “If North Carolina gets democracy, it’s only a matter of time before the people of Wisconsin, Georgia, and other failed states demand it as well,” Muqtada al-Sadr, the Iraqi politician and cleric, said. “Iraq could find itself in a quagmire with no exit strategy.” Brushing aside such concerns, President Salih said that his international coalition could send troops to N.C.-9 as early as next week. “We will be greeted as liberators,” he predicted.

G-20 Leaders Vote Unanimously Not to Give Trump Asylum

BUENOS AIRES (The Borowitz Report)—In an unusual display of unity by an often fractious organization, the leaders of the G-20 nations voted unanimously on Saturday to deny Donald J. Trump’s urgent request for asylum. Prior to the vote, Trump had been heard asking colleagues ranging from Angela Merkel to Xi Jinping for safe harbor in their countries, sweetening his request with offers of free luxury penthouses in Trump buildings around the globe. In the most stunning insult to Trump, his closest allies, Vladimir Putin and Mohammed bin Salman, responded to his asylum request by laughing uproariously in his face and high-fiving each other. After the resolution to deny Trump asylum passed by a 19–0 vote, international observers said that they had never seen the G-20 act with such enthusiastic solidarity. “Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron were practically peeing themselves,” one observer said. After receiving the resounding rebuke from the G-20, Trump grumpily withdrew to his hotel room, where he reportedly placed several calls to Kim Jong Un that went straight to voice mail.

Cindy Hyde-Smith Says She Never Lost Faith in Mississippi’s Racists

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI (The Borowitz Report)—Celebrating her election victory on Tuesday night, U.S. Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith said that, despite predictions that her state was ready to turn the page on its shameful past, “I never lost faith in Mississippi’s racists.” “For weeks, we’ve been hearing national pundits say that Mississippi was ready to enter the twenty-first century,” Hyde-Smith told a crowd of supporters at her victory rally. “Tonight, with your help, we proved them wrong.” Hyde-Smith said that, despite the media’s unearthing of a cavalcade of embarrassing comments and actions from her past, “I never doubted that, at the end of the day, the people of Mississippi would listen to the racist voices in their heads.” Choking back tears, Hyde-Smith thanked her supporters for honoring Mississippi’s storied heritage of hatred and cruelty. “Mississippi voters do not want to tear down the relics of our Confederate past,” she said. “As such a relic, I am eternally grateful.” Exit polls showed that Hyde-Smith performed extremely well with voters who described themselves as bigots, and dominated among those who could not correctly spell “Mississippi.”

Mueller Offers Cyber Monday Plea Deals

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Robert Mueller’s announcement that he would be offering Cyber Monday plea deals touched off hysteria among disgraced Trump associates desperate for the chance to score a drastically reduced sentence. Moments after the office of the special counsel went live with its Cyber Monday Web site,, thousands of Trump cronies flooded it with traffic, causing the site to briefly crash. Harland Dorrinson, the member of Mueller’s team who masterminded the Cyber Monday sale, said that the special counsel was offering a limited number of “prison doorbusters,” with sentences up to seventy-five per cent off. “I’m not surprised that people are going crazy for these bargains,” Dorrinson said. “Otherwise, you could go to trial and face one of those Obama judges.” He said that Mueller’s Cyber Monday sale was benefitting from a piece of fortuitous timing, since it was being held on the same day that the former Trump campaign adviser George Papadopoulos was scheduled to report to prison for a two-week sentence. “Everyone who goes on the site is looking for a Papadopoulos special,” he said. “Those were all gone in the first five minutes.”

Trump Refuses to Pardon White House Turkey After Accusing It of Working for Soros

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a startling break with Thanksgiving tradition, Donald J. Trump refused to pardon the White House turkey after claiming that it was working as a secret operative of the billionaire George Soros. A group of fourth graders from Bethesda, Maryland, who had gathered on the White House lawn for the annual turkey-pardoning ceremony appeared unprepared for the anti-Soros outburst that Trump unleashed on the Thanksgiving bird. “That turkey was sent by Soros to spy on me,” Trump said, angrily turning on the fowl. “A lot of people are saying this.” While the oblivious turkey pecked desultorily at the ground, an increasingly enraged Trump spewed a stream of conspiracy theories linking the feathered animal to global élites, election fraud in Florida, and Jim Acosta. Trump attempted to lead the fourth-grade class in a chant of “Lock It Up,” apparently directed at the Thanksgiving delicacy, but the students slowly backed away from him in silence. Tracy Klugian, one of the children who witnessed Trump’s meltdown, said that he found it “sad.” “I get that he’s upset about Mueller and the midterms, but he shouldn’t take it out on a turkey,” he said.

Trump Warns That Florida Recount Could Set Dangerous Precedent of Person with Most Votes...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling for an “immediate end” to the recount in Florida, Donald J. Trump warned on Monday that it could set a dangerous precedent of the person with the most votes winning. Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that those in favor of the recount had a “sick obsession with finding out which candidate got the most votes.” “Democrats are going on and on about counting every last vote until they find out who got the most,” Trump said. “Since when does getting the most votes mean you win?” Trump said that, if the recounts are allowed to proceed, “We could be looking at a very bad, very sad situation where to be considered legitimately elected you have to get more votes than the other candidate.” Having just returned from the Armistice commemoration in Paris, Trump said that Florida’s recount has made America “the laughingstock of the world,” adding, “Putin told me they never do recounts in Russia.”

President Trump pulls out of war remembrance service due to bone spurs

President Donald Trump has been forced to pull out of a service to remember those who gave up their lives in World War I after his bone spur injury reappeared. Bone spurs kept Trump from fighting in Vietnam and they’ll now keep him from standing up and talking at a war remembrance service in France. Trump’s bone spurs began to play up again after he was told that he wasn’t very popular in France – or anywhere else in Europe for that matter. The president will now stay in America this weekend where he plans to rehab his injury with a couple of rounds of golf down in Florida. ‘My foot is in bigly pain but I’ll tough it out because I’m a brave man. Much braver than those soldiers who died. I prefer soldiers who didn’t die,’ Trump told the media. France has expressed its relief that Trump won’t be making an appearance, saying they only asked him out of politeness in the first place. ‘Fake news. No-one is polite in France and you know it,’ Trump fired back.

Midterm Elections Inspire Historic Levels of Early Drinking

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a seismic shift from earlier midterm elections, the 2018 midterms have inspired the highest levels of early drinking in modern history, a new study shows. According to the study, which was conducted by the University of Minnesota, millions of Americans who would normally start drinking on the night of the midterms took advantage of early drinking and began consuming alcohol days and, in some cases, weeks or months before November 6th. “We knew that there would be some early drinking, but the magnitude of that drinking is taking even experts by surprise,” Dr. Davis Logsdon, the author of the study, said. “To put it in terms that the layman can understand, we are seeing drinking that is off the Kavanaugh chart.” Democrats have overwhelmed Republicans in the early drinking tallies, but Logsdon warned against “reading too much into” that disparity. “Many Democrats started their early drinking on November 8, 2016,” he said. “Two years’ worth of early and in some cases heavy drinking is skewing their numbers much higher.”

Trump Warns That Democrats Would Drag Nation Back to Days of Tolerance and Decorum

CHATTANOOGA (The Borowitz Report)—Employing the fear tactics that have typified his midterm campaigning, Donald J. Trump told a rally audience on Sunday that electing Democrats would drag the nation back to the dark days of tolerance and decorum. Trump made his closing argument to the Chattanooga, Tennessee, audience by raising the spectre of a return to the dignified and restrained discourse that plagued the nation during the regime of his predecessor, Barack Obama. “We had eight years of talking about people of different genders, races, and nationalities as if they were human beings,” Trump warned. “Do we want to go back to that?” “No!” the crowd shouted. “Do we want our public figures to consider the consequences of their words and actions?” he asked. “No!” they thundered. Appearing on Fox News, Vice-President Mike Pence defended Trump against charges that he was irresponsibly stoking his supporters’ worst fears about a return to compassion and civility. “This election is about whether we, as a nation, want to move forward or backward,” Pence said. “And I have faith that the American people want to keep moving backward.”

Trump Now Says If Migrants Throw Rocks Military Will Respond with Paper or Scissors

PENSACOLA, FLORIDA (The Borowitz Report)—Backtracking from his earlier suggestion that the military should fire upon migrants if they throw rocks, Donald J. Trump said on Saturday that he was ordering the military to respond to rocks with either paper or scissors. Speaking at a rally in Pensacola, Florida, Trump said that the decision about whether to use paper or scissors to retaliate against rocks would ultimately be left up to military commanders at the border. “If rocks come flying at them, they should go ‘paper, scissors’ until they have an answer,” Trump said. He issued a stern warning to the migrants approaching the border, telling them, “The United States military sees your rocks and is raising you paper or scissors.” At the Pentagon, Defense Secretary James Mattis insisted that Trump’s latest order was “not a stunt” but refused to answer how the military would come up with fifteen thousand pairs of scissors on such short notice.
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