Saturday, July 20, 2019

Former PM David Cameron suggests ‘Shag a Stabber’ campaign

Former PM David Cameron has suggested the launch of a ‘Shag a Stabber’ campaign to help lower knife crime. With the rise in knife crime across Britain becoming a serious concern, the former prime minister believes serious action is required. ‘We need to hit it hard and hit it fast. Just like my “Hug a Hoodie” campaign stopped teens from wearing hoods, we need a “Shag a Stabber” campaign to stop knife crime,’ said Cameron. Cameron believes such a campaign would be a huge success as the increased amount of copulation would lower stress levels and lead to a decrease in violence. ‘Sometimes it’s hard to remember that not everyone has a dead pig to take out their sexual frustrations on. We need to come together as a nation, figuratively and literally,’ said the former PM. Cameron says he has forwarded the idea to Conservative HQ but no-one seems to be returning his calls for some reason.

If only we had a force we could better fund to tackle knife crime,...

Theresa May wishes Britain had some sort of force she could better fund to help tackle rising knife crime, it’s emerged. The prime minister was in a wistful mood when she was asked about the rising knife crime figures throughout the country. ‘It’s a shame, it really is. We’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas. If only we had some sort of force we could better fund to help tackle this problem,’ she told the press. With police flanking the press conference, May said that while the knife crime statistics were troubling she’d never seen any actual evidence of a rise in stabbings. ‘If anyone has ever tried to stab me, it must have been in the back because I’ve certainly never been witness to it,’ she said. The prime minister was then escorted out of the press conference by several members of the police before all the journalists inside were put down.

Trump Storms Out of McDonald’s After Failing to Close Six-Dollar Meal Deal

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Capping a singularly disastrous week for the Commander-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump stormed out of a Washington, D.C., McDonald’s restaurant on Friday after failing to close a six-dollar Meal Deal at the establishment. At approximately 12:30 P.M., Trump took a break from his designated “executive time” to travel to the nearby McDonald’s, where he placed an order for a Meal Deal consisting of a Quarter Pounder with cheese, fries, Coke, and an apple pie. Tracy Klugian, the McDonald’s employee who took Trump’s order, said that he was aware of Trump’s difficulty in closing deals and therefore hiked the price of the Meal Deal to twelve dollars. “I really thought he would drive a harder bargain, what with ‘The Art of the Deal’ and all,” the McDonald’s staffer said. “I was kind of surprised when he just bailed.” With the McDonald’s deal in tatters, one White House aide acknowledged that Trump “really needs a win right now,” and that he was en route to Arby’s.

Vietnam suffering from PTSD after Trump visit

The entire country of Vietnam is suffering from PTSD after it was visited by President Donald Trump, according to local sources. Every single one of the 95 million people living in Vietnam is said to be suffering from Post-traumatic stress disorder after seeing Donald Trump step foot in their country. ‘Vietnam has been through a lot in the past. It all pales in comparison to seeing that orange spectre of evil walk through our nation,’ said one resident. While some have called Vietnam’s reaction to being visited by Trump extreme, residents have fired back. ‘You don’t know, man. You weren’t there! Many of us are still getting horrible flashbacks of that terrible event,’ said Do Van Dang, one of the worst afflicted. The short trip was also eye-opening for President Trump who says it gave him empathy for US troops who served there during the Vietnam War. ‘I too lost a good friend in Vietnam,’ said Trump, mournfully stroking a picture of Kim Jong-un.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Warns Michael Cohen to Leave Lying to Professionals

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As he prepared to testify to Congress on Wednesday, the former Trump lawyer Michael D. Cohen received a thorough scolding from the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who warned Cohen to “leave lying to the professionals.” “You probably think you can step up to the microphone and lie like it’s the easiest thing in the world,” she said. “Well, you should try doing it each and every day, and then tell me how easy it is.” Sanders drew a sharp distinction between professional liars who take pride in their work and liars like Cohen, whom she called “strictly amateur.” “Michael Cohen has never demonstrated that he is willing to put in the hard work, practice, and sheer drudgery of becoming a great liar,” she said. “This is definitely one of those ten-thousand-hours things.” She said she hoped if American children watch Cohen’s “pathetic performance” before Congress that they do not get the wrong idea about America’s liars. “Kids need to know that there are many well-trained and highly professional liars in this country, and many of them are right here in the White House,” she said.

Brexit to be decided in a best of seven referendums by 2032, promises Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn has promised that the Brexit issue will be decided in a best of seven referendums tournament by 2032. The Labour leader has finally announced that his party WILL back a second referendum, as well as a third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh. ‘I keep hearing that people want a second referendum. Why stop there though? Labour will bring another six referendums to the people and wrap up the Brexit vote by as soon as 2032,’ said Corbyn. With Leave taking the first leg, Remain faces an uphill battle and will certainly want to take the next referendum to even the score. ‘That’s why I’ll be campaigning at full capacity to ensure-‘ It was at that point the BBC cut off Corbyn so we’re not sure how the sentence ended. However, the Daily Mail claims they found exclusive footage of the BBC interview and say Corbyn finished by saying ‘Britain becomes a base for terrorists.’

Theresa May to finally read ‘Brexit For Dummies’ book she got for Christmas

Theresa May has stated that she will finally read the ‘Brexit For Dummies’ book she got for Christmas over a cosy weekend. The prime minister will snuggle up in her big, cosy chair at home with a glass of wine and begin reading the ‘Brexit For Dummies’ book she was given as a Christmas present. ‘The person who gave me this urged me to read it right away, but I’ve been busy. It’s good to finally be able to begin my Brexit preparations with this,’ she told us. With Brexit less than forty days away, Theresa is hoping the book will give her all the info she needs to get a great deal for Britain. ‘I’ve been procrastinating on all this for, to be honest. I’m sure “Brexit For Dummies” will teach me everything I need to know though,’ said Theresa. A ‘Brexit For Even Bigger Dummies’ book is already being hastily written in the event the prime minister struggles with the current edition.

Dukakis Announces 2020 Bid: “Everyone Else Is”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The former Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis announced on Tuesday morning that he would seek the Democratic nomination for President, declaring, “Everyone else is.” Explaining his rationale for running, the 1988 Democratic Presidential nominee told reporters, “As everyone else started jumping into the race, I started feeling a little left out.” Additionally, Dukakis explained, “People have been stopping me on the street and saying that they thought I was already running. So, whatever.” The former standard-bearer said that before he threw his hat in the ring he paid a courtesy call to the 1984 Democratic nominee, Walter Mondale, to see if he was planning to run. “I wouldn’t get into the race if Walter was going to do it,” Dukakis said. “This could be his year.” Mapping out his campaign strategy, Dukakis said that he hoped to offer himself as an alternative to the former senator Gary Hart, who also entered the race today.

Jeremy Corbyn splits from Labour to join Independent Group

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has today announced he will join the seven other splitters in leaving the party and joining the Independent Group. Corbyn cited Labour’s position on Brexit as well as Labour MPs disinterest in his stories about his allotment as the main reasons. ‘And don’t even get me started with the eye-rolling when I start talking about my jam making exploits,’ Corbyn told the press. Jeremy Corbyn’s move to the Independent Group has seen a swell of support online as thousands have already joined and donated to the cause. It’s believed that Corbyn is now the red-hot favourite to become the group’s leader, which could be problematic for other MPs in the group. ‘If he becomes the leader then the rest of us will have to splinter off again. Frankly, we spunked most of our creativity on creating the Independent Group name. I have no idea what we’d call a new group,’ said Chukka Umunna.

Judge Roy Moore’s Ten Commandments When Visiting the Gadsen Mall

JAMES LAWLER DUGGAN / Reuters 1. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife. Thou shall covet thy neighbor’s daughter, especially that one who works the register at Bath & Body Works after school lets out. Thou shall park way over at the Walmart so the overzealous mall cops won’t “run the plate” again. Thou shall fill thy pockets with bountiful gift certificates to Justice, Aeropostale, Forever 21 and Claire’s. Speaking of which, why isn’t there a store called “Forever Under 21”? Between the cellphone case bejewler kiosk and Bath & Body Works thou shall brandish a bag full of Wetzel’s Pretzel Pizza Bitzes and moan, “Oh, these Wetzel’s Pretzel Pizza Bitzes are so delicious but I can’t possibly finish all these alone.” 7. Thou shall renew thy subscription to Seventeen to stay up on fresh lines like, “Hey, bae, where’s the rest of your squad?” 8. Why isn’t there a magazine called Under Seventeen? Breath mints.