Thursday, March 21, 2019

Theresa May to finally read ‘Brexit For Dummies’ book she got for Christmas

Theresa May has stated that she will finally read the ‘Brexit For Dummies’ book she got for Christmas over a cosy weekend. The prime minister will snuggle up in her big, cosy chair at home with a glass of wine and begin reading the ‘Brexit For Dummies’ book she was given as a Christmas present. ‘The person who gave me this urged me to read it right away, but I’ve been busy. It’s good to finally be able to begin my Brexit preparations with this,’ she told us. With Brexit less than forty days away, Theresa is hoping the book will give her all the info she needs to get a great deal for Britain. ‘I’ve been procrastinating on all this for, to be honest. I’m sure “Brexit For Dummies” will teach me everything I need to know though,’ said Theresa. A ‘Brexit For Even Bigger Dummies’ book is already being hastily written in the event the prime minister struggles with the current edition.

White House Claims Flynn’s Job Was to Make Coffee When Papadopoulos Was Busy

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House called an unscheduled press briefing on Sunday to clarify Michael T. Flynn’s role in the Trump campaign, claiming that his job consisted entirely of making coffee when George Papadopoulos was busy with other matters. “Sometimes, we would ask for coffee and George was otherwise occupied,” the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said. “At that point, Michael Flynn would step in and make that coffee.” When asked what role Flynn’s son, Michael G. Flynn, played in the campaign, Sanders indicated that he, too, was involved in coffee-making to the exclusion of all other responsibilities. “There were many times when the two Flynns would make coffee together,” she said. “The father would actually make the coffee, and the son would add the creamer, sweetener, and whatnot.” Sanders said that, in the weeks to come, the White House is likely to release the names of additional campaign staffers whose roles were limited to the preparation of coffee beverages, and that such names might include Jared Kushner and Donald Trump, Jr. “This was a campaign that drank a great deal of coffee,” she explained.

Michael Cohen Pleads Guilty After Giuliani Offers to Be His Lawyer

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Michael D. Cohen decided on Tuesday to plead guilty to a host of financial crimes shortly after Rudolph Giuliani offered to be his lawyer on a pro-bono basis, Giuliani confirmed. In an interview with Jake Tapper, on CNN, the former New York City mayor said that he had offered to give Cohen “the kind of defense that only I am capable of giving.” “The minute I said that, the blood drained from his face and he was out of there like a shot,” Giuliani said. “It was the strangest thing I’d ever seen.” Giuliani gave CNN viewers a snapshot of what his defense of Cohen would have been like. “I would have said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client is guilty,’ ” he said. “ ‘Guilty as sin! But “guilty” rhymes with “not guilty,” and that’s what I’m asking you to find him today.’ I’m telling you, Jake, it would have been a killer.”

Trump’s Lawyer Claims to Be Voice on “Access Hollywood” Tape

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to put to rest a mystery that has long bedeviled the nation, Donald J. Trump’s personal lawyer, John Dowd, revealed on Monday that it is actually his voice that appears on the notorious “Access Hollywood” tape. Speaking to reporters, Dowd said that the so-called locker-room talk attributed to Trump had actually been carefully crafted by the former reality-show host’s legal team and then read aloud by Dowd himself. Additionally, Dowd said that comments widely thought to have been made by Trump indicating that he believed that Frederick Douglass was still alive were also Dowd’s handiwork. “President Trump was about to say something about whether Frederick Douglass was alive or not, and I stepped in at that moment and said that he was,” Dowd said. “I stand by that statement.” Dowd went on to say that other actions attributed to Trump since he took office, including alienating NATO allies, stating that an imaginary armada was steaming toward North Korea, and naming Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director, were all actually done by Dowd. “Let’s be clear,” Dowd said. “Since Donald Trump was elected President, he has done nothing.”

Pence Stages One-Man Parade in Honor of Trump

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hours after the Pentagon announced that it would postpone a military parade that Donald J. Trump had requested, Vice-President Mike Pence staged a one-man parade in Trump’s honor. Explaining his decision to mount the solitary parade, Pence told reporters, “It is the least I can do to pay tribute to the greatness and majesty of Donald Trump, a true American hero.” Pence acknowledged, however, that marching alone “was a neat way to keep the budget down.” “Obviously, if money were no object, I would have gone for a little more spectacle,” he said. “Maybe a flyover by Space Force.” Marching proudly with his chest thrust forward and breaking out into a near-strut, Pence’s parade route took him down Pennsylvania Avenue, where he waved occasionally to confused-looking passersby. “It was weird seeing him walking all by himself,” Carol Foyler, a tourist who witnessed the Pence parade, said. “I waved back because it was just so sad.” Pence’s one-man march drew high praise from Trump, who took to Twitter to declare it the largest parade in history.

My rocket is bigger than yours, Trump tells Kim Jong-un

My rocket is bigger than yours, Trump tells Kim Jong-un. President Donald Trump has told Kim Jong-un in no uncertain terms that he has the biggest rocket in the world and he’s prepared to blast it right in the North Korean leader’s face. With the nuclear threat from North Korea esculating almost daily, Trump took time out of his busy holiday schedule to set Kim Jong-un straight. ‘You think I want to be here when I could be on the golf course? This is what North Korea has made me do and I’m angry about it, so angry,’ began Trump. ‘There’s a lot of fake news on the internet about how I have a small rocket. Completely fake, so fake. Actually I have the biggest rocket in the world, much bigger than Kim Jong-un’s, and he’ll feel the full force of my rocket blast if he doesn’t back down.’ It is being called President Trump’s most phallic and borderline erotic speech to date. ‘Daddy can drop his fire and fury all over me any time he wants,’ said Conservative ring-piece Milo Yiannopoulos. Meanwhile the citizens of the world watch on as Earth begins to reach the climax of its final season with baited breath.

Jacob Rees-Mogg calls for cutbacks on foreign aid to Wakanda

Jacob Rees-Mogg today called for the British government to make significant cutbacks on the amount of foreign aid it sends to Wakanda. The Conservative politician insists that the money could be put to better use in helping British people rather than those of the proud nation of Wakanda. ‘I’ve seen the “Black Panther” documentary. I realise the country has been through turbulent times, but they seem to be doing rather well for themselves in general. ‘The money we spend on foreign aid to Wakanda could be used to help British people. We have a lot of politicians and CEOs in this country that can barely afford a fifth or sixth house,’ said Jacob Rees-Mogg. Mogg’s plan has the backing of Boris Johnson and Michael Gove, as well as a number of paid Conservative shills on social media. ‘Seeing how much money we send to places like Wakanda makes me glad I avoid paying taxes at all,’ said @ConBoyTwitty Wakanda has yet to comment on Mogg’s statement due to its fictional nature.

Obama Saddened That Kavanaugh Did Not Blame Him at Any Point

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama said Thursday evening that he was “saddened” and “hurt” that Brett Kavanaugh failed to blame him for his predicament at any point in his Senate Judiciary Committee hearing earlier in the day. “As he was rattling off all of the people who had victimized him, I was sure I was going to make the list,” Obama said. “It was more than a little deflating that I didn’t.” Obama said that as Kavanaugh listed such nemeses as the mainstream media, a vast left-wing conspiracy, and the Clintons, he was “on the edge of my chair expecting my name to come up.” “It’s not a good feeling to be forgotten like that,” he said. “It was a tough thing to watch.” Obama said that it was “a little comforting” to know that he was not the only person Kavanaugh neglected to blame in his remarks. “I just got off the phone with George Soros, and he is bummed as well,” Obama said. In an official statement released after the former President’s remarks, Kavanaugh said that his failure to blame Obama was “a simple omission,” and not a memory lapse due to excessive alcohol consumption.

Trump TV draws record ratings in Trump household

Trump TV draws record ratings in Trump household. Donald Trump is celebrating today after being informed that Trump TV – his own personal TV network – received record ratings from within the Trump household. ‘This is bigly good,’ President Trump said. ‘The entire family are behind me 100%, maybe even more. What’s a number bigger than 100? If there is one, that’s how much they support me.’ ‘Real news’ focused on the positive in the Trump presidency so far and amazingly managed to last over three minutes. Unfortunately this was too long for the average Trump attention span. ‘I kind of got distracted and started looking at pictures of nudey women on my phone,’ admitted Eric Trump. The Trump family are hoping that Trump TV replaces Fox News as the number one watched news network in America. But we think it doesn’t go too far enough.

Pence Asks Jesus to Rapture Him Up Before Mueller Can Indict Him

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has requested that Jesus Christ rapture him up before the special counsel Robert Mueller can indict him, a source close to Pence confirmed on Friday. Shortly after the former national-security adviser Michael Flynn pleaded guilty to lying to the F.B.I., Pence contacted Jesus to discuss the early rapture proposal, the source said. The source characterized Pence’s request to be raptured up as “urgent” but did not indicate whether the Vice-President asked Jesus to rapture up any other senior Administration officials. “Some of these people will have to be left behind, for obvious reasons,” the source said. “Jared, for example.” After the news of Pence’s conversation with Jesus leaked to the press, the Vice-President released an official statement, intended to tamp down speculation about his rapture request. “I had a good conversation with Jesus Christ earlier in the day,” the statement read. “We touched on the timetable of my rapturing-up, along with a broad range of other issues. That is all I have to say at the present time.”
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