President Xi of China is a 'world-class poker player' while Trump seems to be just figuring out Go Fish. Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel HERE: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube For more content from "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert", click HERE: http://bit.ly/1AKISnR…
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As the F.B.I. hurries to complete its supplemental background check of the Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, twenty million witnesses have come forward claiming that they saw Kavanaugh lie under oath. According to the witnesses, they can remember the place where they saw Kavanaugh lie, a hearing room in the United States Senate, and the exact date and time, this past Thursday afternoon. Despite the striking similarity of their stories, the twenty million witnesses to Kavanaugh’s mendacity said that they were having trouble getting in touch with the F.B.I., even though lying to the Senate is a federal crime and thus within the Bureau’s jurisdiction. “I called my local F.B.I. office and was told to call the Bureau’s toll-free tip line,” Harland Dorrinson, a resident of Toledo, Ohio, said. “I did that, but the mailbox for Kavanaugh tips was full.” Carol Foyler, a Mobile, Alabama, resident who said that she, too, witnessed Kavanaugh lie under oath, expressed frustration at the artificial deadline of the F.B.I.’s probe. “One week is not nearly enough time to interview twenty million people,” she said. In Washington, Senator Lindsey Graham furiously rejected the witnesses’ version of events, arguing, “This is a classic case of he-said/twenty million said.” “If lying in the United States Senate is a crime, none of us is safe,” Graham added.
The Conservative Party has announced a trial of ‘Schrödinger’s austerity’ that will see the end of austerity while austerity continues on as normal at the same time. Prime Minister Theresa May announced the end of austerity while Chancellor Philip Hammond’s budget indicated that very little had changed. The pair came together and agreed that Britain will trial ‘Schrödinger’s austerity’. ‘Schrödinger’s austerity’ will see the Conservative Party give lip service to austerity being over without actually doing anything differently. ‘Austerity is over. Now is the time of Schrödinger’s austerity which should really lift the mood of the nation while they decide whether they want to eat a decent meal regularly or heat their homes this winter,’ said May. Britain’s most vulnerable people will be told they’ll be treated with dignity and respect; vital services will be told they’re getting the investment they need; and children will be told they have a promising future. And none of it will actually happen.
INDIANAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—A poll taken after Vice-President Mike Pence made headlines on Sunday with an abrupt early departure reveals that a broad majority of Americans hope that Donald Trump follows Pence’s example and leaves early, as well. In a striking result, the poll shows that Trump’s early exit would be approximately a thousand times more popular than the one Pence participated in on Sunday.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A furious Donald Trump told reporters on Friday morning that it was “a total disgrace” that the Federal Bureau of Investigation had apparently not been affected by the government shutdown. Trump, who appeared agitated and was gripping his television remote as he spoke on the White House lawn, said that he had been under the impression that F.B.I. agents had been furloughed and were not going to work. “You have people across the country, in national parks and places like that, who are not at work, and somehow the F.B.I. is working around the clock?” Trump said. “I think it’s a total disgrace. It’s a sick situation.” Trump said that he would call an emergency meeting of his Cabinet to “get some answers” about why the F.B.I. was working during the shutdown. “Let’s say you were trying to leave the country in a hurry with your family—would the F.B.I. be at the airport to stop you?” he asked.
It has been a big week for Donald Trump who went to Andrews Air Force Base this morning to greet three American Detainees who were being held by Kim Jong Un. There has been a lot of talk about Donald…
A laptop belonging to David Davis contains dozens of foul and depraved Brexit assessments according to a police investigation into the matter. After Davis first claimed he’d performed 58 Brexit assessments and then later claimed there were none, police decided to look for the missing Brexit assessments. And it was on a laptop belonging to the MP for Haltemprice and Howden that over four dozen disturbing and graphic Brexit assessments were found. ‘The Brexit assessments were literally in the first place we looked,’ said the detective in charge. ‘They contained some of the sickest views of Britain’s future that any of us have ever seen. One colleague is seeking counselling after reading just one of the files.’ David Davis is claiming that the Brexit assessments must have been placed there by a member of his staff or someone sharing his parliamentary office. ‘Someone else must have put those Brexit assessments on there. I thought I’d used up all the hard drive space on porn.’
Jeremy Corbyn has revealed his latest plan to deal with rich tax cheats – a device called the guillotine. The guillotine originated in France in the late 18th century and the Labour leader believes now is the time to bring it back. ‘We need to be tough but fair with these people. If they take wealth out of this country, we’ll take their head off their body,’ said Corbyn. The removal of the head from the body is swift and painless. Some critics are calling the plan ‘draconian’ while some have other criticisms. ‘The guillotine is French designed and German engineered. I didn’t vote for Brexit to welcome a foreign means of execution. It’s the hangman’s rope or nothing,’ Bobby Tomlinson, an alt-right Brit told us. The Conservative Party have all raised concerns about the proposal as if it went ahead then their entire party could be wiped out overnight.
Subscribe to the Real Time YouTube: http://itsh.bo/10r5A1B In his editorial New Rule, Bill pens an open letter to his dear friend Roseanne about a few inconsistencies in her political affiliations. Connect with Real Time Online: Find Real Time on Facebook:…
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after he declared that he would have run into a Florida high school unarmed to thwart a mass shooting, Donald J. Trump announced that he was planning a parade in Washington, D.C., to celebrate his hypothetical act of heroism. “Anyone can act with bravery in the moment,” Trump told reporters in the White House. “But it takes a very special kind of hero to tell people about the incredibly brave thing he would have done weeks after the thing happened.” He added that it was one of his greatest regrets that bone spurs prevented him from serving in the Vietnam War, “because the really courageous things I would have done during that war would have been off the charts.” “As soon as the Tet Offensive happened, I would have run unarmed right into that mess,” he said. “We probably would have won the war right after I did that.” Trump said that the parade he was ordering would honor not only him but all of America’s “last responders.” According to a new poll, Trump’s assertion that he would have run into the Florida high school unarmed was believed by his daughter Ivanka.