President Donald Trump has awarded himself the prestigious Medal of Honor for ‘probably running into mass shooting unarmed’. The ceremony will take place later today and will be only the third such medal Trump has handed out during his stint as president. While presidents don’t typically award themselves medals, President Trump decided to make an exception for himself for ‘extreme bravery in a theoretical situation’. ‘I would have run straight into that school and tackled the shooter, even if I didn’t have a gun. Believe me, he wouldn’t have known what hit him,’ said the former theoretical NFL linebacker. The ceremony will begin with Trump placing the medal around his neck before regaling the media with other brave things he might do if the situation was purely theoretical. ‘If North Korea was ever stupid enough to send a nuke our way, I’d probably just fly into the sky and block it before throwing it right back at them,’ said the proud president.
CBS Criticized for Airing Graphic Horror Program Without Viewer Advisory. NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—CBS ignited a firestorm of controversy on Sunday night after it broadcast a shockingly graphic horror program without any viewer advisory. Millions of viewers who unwittingly tuned in to the highly upsetting program recoiled in revulsion and took to social media to rip CBS. “It’s appalling to think that you would even consider broadcasting such a thing at seven o’clock, when children could be watching,” one viewer wrote. “Shame on CBS.” Another irate viewer complained that he was “in total disbelief” that CBS would air such disturbing content with no warning preceding it. “I may never get those nightmarish images out of my head,” he wrote. Responding to the avalanche of criticism, the chief executive of CBS, Leslie Moonves, said that he doubted that a viewer advisory before the program would have made a difference. “I knew what was coming, and I was still terrified by what I saw,” he said.
Jacob Rees-Mogg has challenged anyone who wants to fight him to ‘step up’ and take their best shot. After the Conservative MP escaped unscathed from an attack by a violent Jeremy Corbyn supporter, Rees-Mogg issued an open challenge to anyone brave enough to fight him. ‘You want a piece of me? I’m not hard to find. I’m the man in the coattails and top hat. Friends of the man some are calling the next Conservative leader claim that he spends the majority of his spare time in the gym or prowling the streets for trouble. ‘He’s bad, real bad. I pity the fool who takes him on,’ said Mr Tureaud. Tureaud is the former bodyguard of Rees-Mogg. He was let go after the Conservative member realised he could handle himself.
President Donald Trump has moved to dissociate himself from son-in-law Jared Kushner who could be the next target in an FBI investigation against Trump. As soon as the news broke, President Trump was quick to unfollow Kushner on Twitter and gave a brief statement on their relationship to the press. ‘Jared Kushner is fake news. I’ve never even met the guy. My wife – I mean my daughter – Ivanka tells me he follows her around a lot but he’s just some creep,’ said Trump. When questioned on the hundreds of pictures of Donald and Jared together, President Trump was quick with an answer. ‘You can do a lot of amazing things on computers these days. I mean, they’re bad but they look so real. You can even put the heads of women you like onto the bodies of naked women. But you can,’ he replied.
A laptop belonging to David Davis contains dozens of foul and depraved Brexit assessments according to a police investigation into the matter. After Davis first claimed he’d performed 58 Brexit assessments and then later claimed there were none, police decided to look for the missing Brexit assessments. And it was on a laptop belonging to the MP for Haltemprice and Howden that over four dozen disturbing and graphic Brexit assessments were found. ‘The Brexit assessments were literally in the first place we looked,’ said the detective in charge. ‘They contained some of the sickest views of Britain’s future that any of us have ever seen. One colleague is seeking counselling after reading just one of the files.’ David Davis is claiming that the Brexit assessments must have been placed there by a member of his staff or someone sharing his parliamentary office. ‘Someone else must have put those Brexit assessments on there. I thought I’d used up all the hard drive space on porn.’
There's so much talk about politics these days so Jimmy thought it might be nice to share something that has nothing to do with that at all. Whether you're a Democrat, Republican, dog lover or cat person – this is…
Kate and Gerry McCann will be given full custody of Brexit after PM Theresa May called them both a ‘safe pair of hands’, citing their previous experience dealing with European authorities. After the Prime Minister conceded that her negotiations were going nowhere, she sought out the best that Britain has to offer. ‘To some, Brexit is like a child. It needs to be treated with care and nurtured. And I can think of no-one better than Kate and Gerry McCann,’ she told the press. The couple will be handed all the Brexit papers built up so far and are already hard at work to protect the process. ‘We’re going out for a meal to do a brainstorming session. All the papers have been left in our hotel room where I’m sure they’ll be safe and sound,’ said Gerry. Despite a dubious past, the McCanns are still thought to be more competent than anyone in the Conservative or Labour Party.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A Washington, D.C., man has won a nationwide essay contest on the topic “Why Donald J. Trump Shouldn’t Go to Prison.” The man, Brett Kavanaugh, received his award for the winning essay at a ceremony at the White House on Monday night. Kavanaugh’s essay, which was distributed to the press shortly after he was announced as the winner, reads as follows: “Donald J. Trump should never go to prison because he is the President of the United States and the President of the United States is a very important person in the country. It would look bad if visitors from foreign countries came to the United States and asked, ‘Where is your President?’ and we had to say, ‘He is in prison,’ which in my opinion is another reason Donald J. Trump should not go to prison. For these reasons, if I am ever in a position to keep Donald J. Trump from going to prison, I will do that (keep him from going to prison).” Shaking Kavanaugh’s hand, Trump heaped praise on him for his “very, very beautiful” essay, calling it “maybe the best essay that has ever been written.” “I did not personally read it, but Ivanka read it aloud to me, and I thought it was fantastic,” Trump said.
According to sources in Westminister, Jeremy Hunt is preparing to take over as Conservative leader when Theresa May steps down and plans to fully privatise parliament. Hunt’s plans to privatise parliament would see the burden lifted from the taxpayer with corporations bidding to take over payment of MPs. The plan is already said to be hugely popular amongst party members. ‘It’s pretty much what we do now anyway but we’ll be able to be much more open about it,’ said one Conservative MP. Under Hunt’s system, elections would be scrapped in favour of an open auction between all political parties with the highest bidder winning control of the country. ‘It works so well in America that we’d be fools not to try it,’ said Hunt during a radio interview. But before Hunt can take over as the next Prime Minister, he is first expected to complete the dismantling of the NHS so that it too can be completely privatised. This could all set up a battle of the Jeremys – Corbyn vs. Hunt – which would also be a battle of nationalisation vs privatisation. ‘Please, kill me now,’ said one political pundit.
Donald Trump had a busy weekend between spending time in Dallas to talk guns and stopping by Cincinnati to talk taxes and judges so we slowed him down for a new #DrunkDonaldTrump. Jimmy Kimmel Interviews 20-Year-Old Attacked by Snake, Bear…