Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Trump TV draws record ratings in Trump household

Trump TV draws record ratings in Trump household. Donald Trump is celebrating today after being informed that Trump TV – his own personal TV network – received record ratings from within the Trump household. ‘This is bigly good,’ President Trump said. ‘The entire family are behind me 100%, maybe even more. What’s a number bigger than 100? If there is one, that’s how much they support me.’ ‘Real news’ focused on the positive in the Trump presidency so far and amazingly managed to last over three minutes. Unfortunately this was too long for the average Trump attention span. ‘I kind of got distracted and started looking at pictures of nudey women on my phone,’ admitted Eric Trump. The Trump family are hoping that Trump TV replaces Fox News as the number one watched news network in America. But we think it doesn’t go too far enough.

Trump Warns That President Oprah Would Force Americans to Read

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump issued a stark warning to the nation on Monday that, if elected President, Oprah Winfrey would force Americans to read. “This is a woman who, every chance she got, told people to join her book club,” Trump told reporters. “If she were President, you better believe that she would make every single American join that book club.” Claiming that Winfrey “never met a book she didn’t like,” Trump accused her of planning to institute an “individual book mandate,” which would require non-reading Americans to pay as much as two thousand dollars a year for refusing to read a book. “People were worried about Obama coming to their homes and taking away their guns,” Trump said. “Oprah will come to your homes and leave books there, which is far, far worse.” Joining Trump in his remarks was the Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos, who warned about the dangers of Winfrey’s pro-book agenda. “I am a firm believer in school choice,” DeVos said. “And central to that is the choice not to read.”

Donald Trump denies all knowledge

Speaking to selected press within the White House before his latest golfing vacation, Trump went on the record to deny knowing anything in relation to everything. ‘Believe me, if I knew anything I’d come forth and say so. I say a lot of things, I like to say things, but it’s all made up. ‘If you want to go after a man who knows a lot, why aren’t you questioning Barack Obama? Super smart guy. He knows a lot of things, probably. If you want knowledge, he’s your man,’ Trump said to the media. ‘The only thing I play is golf. And that reminds me, I’ve got to go,’ said Trump before scurrying off as quickly as possible. Trump’s denial of all knowledge is now being seen as the most credible thing he’s said throughout his entire presidency.
Trump is Surprisingly Self-Congratulatory When Drunkvideo

Trump is Surprisingly Self-Congratulatory When Drunk

The President was all smiles in public today at the swearing-in of his new Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, where we slowed him down to half speed for tonight's self-congratulatory #DrunkDonaldTrump. Miley Cyrus on 'F**K YOU' Tweet Taking Back Apology…
Jimmy Kimmel Live Tonight (Wednesday 5/2)video

Jimmy Kimmel Live Tonight (Wednesday 5/2)

Tonight on #Kimmel Mike Myers, from Deadpool 2 Zazie Beetz, music from Sugarland, and an exclusive conversation with Trump’s hairy doctor SUBSCRIBE to get the latest #KIMMEL: Watch Mean Tweets: Connect with Jimmy Kimmel Live Online: Visit the…

Trump Fears Next Election Will Be Decided by Americans

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump is “scared to death” that the 2020 Presidential election will be decided by Americans, an aide to Trump has confirmed. The aide, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that Trump is panicking over a doomsday scenario in which Americans, sidelined during the 2016 election, play a dominant role in influencing the 2020 contest. “It sounds paranoid, but, as we speak, representatives of the United States are already plotting to remove him from office in 2020,” the aide said. “They are determined to replace him with someone who takes a move favorable view toward their country.” The aide said that the Americans, frustrated by Trump’s open hostility to the United States since taking office, will “stop at nothing” to achieve their ultimate goal: installing an agent of the U.S. in the Oval Office. “It’s pretty clear what the Americans are up to,” the aide said. “They want a puppet who will do the bidding of the United States of America.” While Trump has reportedly ordered his staff to do everything in its power to prevent Americans from meddling in the 2020 election, the prospect of U.S. nationals deciding the next Presidential race has clearly left the White House rattled. “Americans are going to use voter registration, social media, and anything else at their disposal to hand the election to someone who will advance their interests,” he said. “That’s what keeps Trump up at night.”
Rep. Duncan Hunter | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)video

Rep. Duncan Hunter | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

Subscribe to the Real Time YouTube: Congressman Duncan Hunter (R-CA) joins Bill to discuss torture, the Iran Deal, and what Trump knew about Russian meddling. Connect with Real Time Online: Find Real Time on Facebook: Find Real Time…
New Rule: Dear Roseanne | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)video

New Rule: Dear Roseanne | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

Subscribe to the Real Time YouTube: In his editorial New Rule, Bill pens an open letter to his dear friend Roseanne about a few inconsistencies in her political affiliations. Connect with Real Time Online: Find Real Time on Facebook:…

Virginia and New Jersey Elect Governors Totally Lacking Reality-Show Experience

VIRGINIA AND NEW JERSEY (The Borowitz Report)—Throwing caution to the wind, voters in Virginia and New Jersey on Tuesday night overturned the political applecart and chose as their new governors two men with no reality-show experience whatsoever. Republican officials were staggered by the voters’ decision because, historically, reality shows have been a reliable proving ground for the nation’s finest leaders. Ronna Romney McDaniel, the chairwoman of the Republican National Committee, said that the voters’ risky bet on two men who had never set foot on a reality-show stage showed that the electorate was acting “emotionally and not rationally.” “You look at the résumés of these two men and you won’t find ‘Survivor,’ you won’t find ‘Big Brother,’ you won’t find ‘The Bachelor,’ ” she said. “What we have are two individuals who are, to put it mildly, unfit for office.” “This is not normal,” she said. She gave both winning candidates credit for tapping into the angry voters’ anti-reality-show mood, but she warned, “Once these two have been in office, I think voters will start longing for someone who had at least won an immunity idol or swallowed a live caterpillar.”
Mike Myers Remembers Verne Troyervideo

Mike Myers Remembers Verne Troyer

Mike remembers Verne Troyer after his passing, talks about his funeral, working with him on Austin Powers, and reveals that one of the first things people have always asked him about is Mini-Me. Miley Cyrus on 'F**K YOU' Tweet Taking…
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