CHATTANOOGA (The Borowitz Report)—Employing the fear tactics that have typified his midterm campaigning, Donald J. Trump told a rally audience on Sunday that electing Democrats would drag the nation back to the dark days of tolerance and decorum. Trump made his closing argument to the Chattanooga, Tennessee, audience by raising the spectre of a return to the dignified and restrained discourse that plagued the nation during the regime of his predecessor, Barack Obama. “We had eight years of talking about people of different genders, races, and nationalities as if they were human beings,” Trump warned. “Do we want to go back to that?” “No!” the crowd shouted. “Do we want our public figures to consider the consequences of their words and actions?” he asked. “No!” they thundered. Appearing on Fox News, Vice-President Mike Pence defended Trump against charges that he was irresponsibly stoking his supporters’ worst fears about a return to compassion and civility. “This election is about whether we, as a nation, want to move forward or backward,” Pence said. “And I have faith that the American people want to keep moving backward.”
PENSACOLA, FLORIDA (The Borowitz Report)—Backtracking from his earlier suggestion that the military should fire upon migrants if they throw rocks, Donald J. Trump said on Saturday that he was ordering the military to respond to rocks with either paper or scissors. Speaking at a rally in Pensacola, Florida, Trump said that the decision about whether to use paper or scissors to retaliate against rocks would ultimately be left up to military commanders at the border. “If rocks come flying at them, they should go ‘paper, scissors’ until they have an answer,” Trump said. He issued a stern warning to the migrants approaching the border, telling them, “The United States military sees your rocks and is raising you paper or scissors.” At the Pentagon, Defense Secretary James Mattis insisted that Trump’s latest order was “not a stunt” but refused to answer how the military would come up with fifteen thousand pairs of scissors on such short notice.
MINNESOTA (The Borowitz Report)—A vast majority of Americans would feel significantly safer if an enormous caravan consisting of angry white men left the country, a new poll indicates. The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, suggests that the concept of an angry-white-male caravan could be the most wildly popular policy proposal in the run-up to Tuesday’s midterm elections. In an indication of just how much support the proposal has, many Americans said that they would personally contribute gas money to help get the caravan on its way. Despite the popularity of the caravan, however, there was disagreement over what the optimal number of angry white men to depart with it would be, with some suggesting a figure of twenty thousand and others preferring a number as high as forty million. Additionally, the implementation of such a caravan could face major obstacles; the survey indicates that both Mexican and Canadian voters overwhelmingly oppose any influx whatsoever of angry white American males.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Tuesday signed an executive order stripping the children of immigrant mothers of their citizenship, thus disqualifying himself from being President of the United States. The constitutional crisis came to light moments after the signing ceremony, when a fourth grader visiting the Oval Office on a school tour pointed out the far-reaching legal ramifications of the order. “Hey, wait, wasn’t your mother from Scotland?” the student, Tracy Klugian, asked. “That means you’re not a citizen and you can’t be President.” Stephen Miller, a senior adviser to Trump and the author of the executive order, quickly grabbed the document from the Oval Office desk, panic spreading across his face as he reread it. “Oh, my God,” Miller gasped. “What have I done?” Trump immediately called Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh for help in voiding the executive order, but Kavanaugh was unable to take the call because he was “sleeping off a rough night,” an aide to the Justice said. Asked to comment on Trump’s predicament, former President Barack Obama said, “I can’t imagine what it would be like not to be an American citizen. Of course, my mom was born here, so I’m good.”
The Conservative Party has announced a trial of ‘Schrödinger’s austerity’ that will see the end of austerity while austerity continues on as normal at the same time. Prime Minister Theresa May announced the end of austerity while Chancellor Philip Hammond’s budget indicated that very little had changed. The pair came together and agreed that Britain will trial ‘Schrödinger’s austerity’. ‘Schrödinger’s austerity’ will see the Conservative Party give lip service to austerity being over without actually doing anything differently. ‘Austerity is over. Now is the time of Schrödinger’s austerity which should really lift the mood of the nation while they decide whether they want to eat a decent meal regularly or heat their homes this winter,’ said May. Britain’s most vulnerable people will be told they’ll be treated with dignity and respect; vital services will be told they’re getting the investment they need; and children will be told they have a promising future. And none of it will actually happen.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Moments after law enforcement apprehended the pipe-bombing suspect, Cesar Sayoc, in Florida, White House staffers scrambled to make sure that Donald J. Trump had never retweeted anything from Sayoc’s demented Twitter feed. The alarm bells went off at the White House after the chief of staff, John Kelly, reviewed Sayoc’s feed, which is riddled with right-wing conspiracy theories and paranoid attacks on George Soros, and thought that some of the tweets “looked kind of familiar,” an aide to Kelly confirmed. After spotting the similarities, Kelly enlisted Kellyanne Conway, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and Jared Kushner to comb through Trump’s Twitter feed and ascertain whether he had in fact retweeted any of the bombing suspect’s unhinged ravings. As of late Friday afternoon, the team of staffers had not yet identified any retweets of the alleged pipe bomber by Trump, but cautioned that their work was “far from over,” a White House source said. “We still have to go through Don, Jr., and Eric’s feeds and make sure they didn’t retweet any of Sayoc’s stuff,” the source said. “We’re all holding our breath right now.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Russian and Chinese spies who have been eavesdropping on Donald J. Trump’s unsecured iPhone calls complained on Thursday that he has foiled their efforts by speaking in a language that is infuriatingly indecipherable. According to the spies, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, what they had hoped would be a treasure trove of valuable intercepts has amounted to little more than unintelligible gibberish. “Trump has been communicating in an impenetrable code entirely of his own creation,” a Chinese spy said. “These phone calls might as well be triple-encrypted.” A Russian spy who has monitored Trump’s calls around the clock said that the only words that could be identified clearly were “I” and “me,” but that they were used so frequently that they became virtually meaningless. Both the Russians and the Chinese have given their top cryptologists the task of decoding Trump’s utterances, but many of these experts have quit within days, complaining of burnout, headaches, and depression. “Trying to decipher Trump’s calls has reduced some of our top codebreakers to tears,” one Russian spymaster said. “They all miss Obama.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Saudi crown prince, Mohammed bin Salman, “totally freaked out” after Rudolph Giuliani offered to appear on television and explain “what really happened” inside the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, Giuliani has confirmed. Giuliani told reporters on Tuesday that he phoned the crown prince to make “an extremely attractive offer of my services.” “I told him, ‘I can get this whole thing wrapped up in two weeks—three, tops,’ ” Giuliani said. “ ‘Just say the word and Rudy Giuliani can be your official TV spokesman.’ ” “I would just get out there and clear up a lot of the questions people have,” he said. “Whose idea was the body double? Who paid for the bone saw? Let’s just tell everybody everything. I would do an amazing job of that.” According to White House sources, the crown prince abruptly hung up on the former New York mayor and immediately called Donald J. Trump to demand that Giuliani be detained indefinitely in the White House basement. Giuliani said that he was “saddened” that the Saudi royal reacted so negatively to his offer. “I haven’t been on TV in a while,” he said. “I really miss it.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has dispatched the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, to Saudi Arabia to provide what the White House on Thursday called “essential lying advice and assistance.” According to the counsellor to the President Kellyanne Conway, “The President was not happy with the quality of lies coming out of the Saudi royal family, and who better to fix that than Sarah Sanders?” Sources close to Sanders said that the press secretary was “horrified” during her first meeting in Riyadh to discover that the crown prince’s lying skills were “rudimentary at best.” “The absence of a free press in Saudi Arabia means that M.B.S.”—Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman—“has had virtually zero experience lying to reporters,” Sanders reportedly told one of her aides. “The learning curve is going to be steep.” In perhaps her most withering comment on the state of the Saudis’ lying, Sanders said, “These clowns could never have gotten Kavanaugh confirmed.”
The transition deadline for Brexit has been extended to ‘whenever we’re all dead’ after crunch talks between Britain and the EU. 2020 was the date of the previous deadline but it has now been extended to whatever date humanity destroys itself on. The extra twenty years or so will give Britain and the EU time to solve the tricky Irish border dispute. By the time the transition period is over, we’ll all be dead and none of this will matter anyway. ‘The decision has been made to extend the Brexit transition period until the point at which we’ve completely destroyed all life on Earth,’ Theresa cheerily began, ‘at which point, Britain will officially leave the EU. It will be the dead, white and blue Brexit that I always promised.’ World leaders have called the plan a ‘masterstroke’ and there are now thoughts to move more tricky decisions back until ‘whenever we’re all dead’. First of which would be action on climate change. ‘Ironically, that lack of action will cause our expiration date to happen much sooner rather than later,’ one leader told us.