Thursday, May 23, 2019

Bus to tell Brexiteers that we’ve now left the EU, nation hopes they fall...

A message on the side of a bus will inform Brexiteers that Britain has now left the EU while the rest of the country hopes they fall for it again. The original Brexit bus claimed that Britain sent £350 million a week to the EU, money we would be able to spend on the NHS instead. While that message was a load of old bobbins, plenty of people fell for it. That is why a new bus message will tell Brexiteers that Britain has now left the EU while sane and rational people cross their fingers and hope they fall for the same trick again. It appears the scheme is already working as a picture of the bus has been shared over 10,000 times on social media, with Brexiteers leaving celebratory messages. ‘Missed the big news but if it says it on the side of a bus it must be true!’ posted @AreKuntry on Twitter. The Brexit bus will tour Britain until every Brexiteer believes we’ve left the EU, the country will then return to business as usual.

Betsy DeVos Suggests That Bribing Colleges Helps Students Learn Math

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Offering an upbeat assessment of the headline-grabbing college-admissions scandal, Betsy DeVos said on Thursday that bribing colleges gave students “a really neat opportunity” to learn math. The Secretary of Education suggested that, rather than keeping children in the dark about the bribes that enable their college acceptances, “Parents should sit around the kitchen table with their kids and work on some fun math problems together.” “Let’s say it’ll cost Amber seventy-five thousand dollars to get into Stanford, and it’ll cost her twin brother Dylan seventy-five thousand to get into Georgetown,” she said. “How much money total will their parents have to wire?” “Or let’s say Jenna has a 470 verbal score, but she needs a 730 to get into Yale,” DeVos said. “How much will she have to pay to get her score changed?” DeVos said that, as regrettable as the criminal charges against the parents in the bribery scandal were, the arrests themselves provided a teachable moment. “Lori Loughlin posted a million dollars in bail, and Felicity Huffman posted two hundred fifty thousand,” she said. “How much bail did Lori and Felicity post?”

‘Sexy Brexit’ red-hot favourite to be most popular Halloween costume

Bookmakers have made ‘Sexy Brexit’ the red-hot favourite to be the most popular costume this Halloween after Theresa May secured a Brexit extension until October 31st. Britain is now scheduled to leave the EU on October 31st, the same day as Halloween. This has led to costume manufactures moving swiftly to create a ‘Sexy Brexit’ costume for the most topical Halloween get-up imaginable. ‘We expect the “Sexy Brexit” to be very popular for both men and women this Halloween. The outfit contains a pair of dull trousers and jacket, to be worn without a shirt to give it that sexy vibe. ‘You’ll also receive a pair of rose-tinted glasses and some gammon-coloured rouge for your face. We suggest pairing the costume with an almost empty bottle of alcohol and making your hair as dishevelled as possible,’ said designer Al Owens. The only drawback to the costume is that it limits your range of motion. ‘Freedom of movement is a problem,’ admitted Mr Owens.

Kate and Gerry McCann given full custody of Brexit

Kate and Gerry McCann will be given full custody of Brexit after PM Theresa May called them both a ‘safe pair of hands’, citing their previous experience dealing with European authorities. After the Prime Minister conceded that her negotiations were going nowhere, she sought out the best that Britain has to offer. ‘To some, Brexit is like a child. It needs to be treated with care and nurtured. And I can think of no-one better than Kate and Gerry McCann,’ she told the press. The couple will be handed all the Brexit papers built up so far and are already hard at work to protect the process. ‘We’re going out for a meal to do a brainstorming session. All the papers have been left in our hotel room where I’m sure they’ll be safe and sound,’ said Gerry. Despite a dubious past, the McCanns are still thought to be more competent than anyone in the Conservative or Labour Party.

Redaction of Mueller Report Halted as Barr Passes Out from Sharpie Fumes

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The redaction of the Mueller report stalled on Monday after the Attorney General, William Barr, passed out from inhaling fumes from multiple Sharpie markers. Barr, who had been working around the clock to redact the report before its release, reportedly lost consciousness while trying to black out a seventy-four-page section detailing Donald Trump, Jr.,’s contacts with more than three dozen Russian individuals. “You cannot use that many Sharpies, for hours on end, without proper ventilation,” a Justice Department staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said. “This was a disaster waiting to happen.” The insentient Barr was rushed to Walter Reed medical center, where a grim-faced hospital spokesperson described his condition as “Ben Carson–like.” At the White House, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, offered a more upbeat assessment. “We expect Attorney General Barr to make a swift and full recovery, so that he can get to work on the President’s taxes,” she said.

Germany Demands Apology After Trump Claims Father Was Born There

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—German Chancellor Angela Merkel demanded that Donald Trump issue a “complete and sincere apology” to the German people, after Trump claimed incorrectly, on Tuesday, that his father was born in Germany. “Of the many insulting things that Donald Trump could say to the German people, alleging that his father was born here is by far the most hurtful,” she said. “He must take it back at once.” Merkel said that Germany would consider breaking off diplomatic relations with the U.S. immediately if Trump did not acknowledge “that his father was born somewhere else.” Despite widely available evidence that Trump’s father, Fred Trump, was born in the Bronx, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, stuck by Trump’s story on Tuesday afternoon. “The President is proud that his father was born in a great foreign country like Germany, and not in a bad foreign country like Puerto Rico,” she said.

“Fox & Friends” Blames Obama for Creating Additional Mexicos

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—After praising Donald J. Trump, on Sunday, for cutting aid to “three Mexican countries,” the cast of “Fox & Friends” blamed former President Barack Obama for creating additional Mexicos during his tenure in the White House. “When Barack Obama took office, there was only one Mexico,” the host Ed Henry said. “He allowed these additional Mexicos to develop.” Henry’s co-host Jedediah Bila agreed that the problem of multiple Mexicos was Obama’s fault. “It was bad enough having one Mexico without Obama going out and creating a bunch of new ones,” she said, noting that there had been a three-hundred-per-cent increase in the number of Mexicos on Obama’s watch. The third host, Pete Hegseth, praised Trump for doing everything in his power to “reduce the number of Obama’s Mexicos.” “Everyone agrees that there are way too many Mexicos right now,” he said. Later in the day, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said that, after watching “Fox & Friends,” President Trump was committed to finding out “just how many Mexicos there are,” and that he had put the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, in charge of counting them.

Rosie O’Donnell Chosen to Read Audiobook of Mueller Report

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The comedian Rosie O’Donnell will narrate the audiobook of Robert Mueller’s long-awaited report, the special counsel’s office confirmed on Saturday. Explaining the selection of O’Donnell, a spokesperson for Mueller said, “Donald Trump has complained about how much this report has cost, and Rosie has agreed to narrate it for free. In fact, she offered to pay us to let her narrate it.” Speaking to reporters, O’Donnell called the job of narrating Mueller’s report “the acting job of a lifetime.” “I never thought I’d get the chance to play so many twisted characters,” she said. “I mean, when else am I going to get to be both Ivanka and Jared? People are gonna freaking love listening to this in the car.” She said that she fully expected Trump to be one of those listeners. “He’s not a big reader, that’s for sure,” she said. “And I think it’s best that he hear what’s in the report from me.”

Theresa May MISSING after putting Chris Grayling in charge of her travel arrangements

Police have announced that Prime Minister Theresa May is MISSING after she put Chris Grayling in charge of her travel arrangements to last-minute talks with EU officials. Theresa May was scheduled to meet with senior EU officials to hold last-minute talks in the hope she could land an improved deal ahead of a vital parliament vote. But the PM put transport secretary Chris Grayling in charge of her travel plans and now no-one knows where she is. ‘I can confirm that the prime minister is missing. However, we are doing everything in our power to locate her,’ said Chief Inspector Horse, between naps. Without Theresa May manning the helm, Conservatives fear that Britain might be run competently for a change. ‘And that would be terrible for most of our members. We make money through chaos. Don’t tell anyone I said that though,’ said Jacob Rees-Mogg. Chris Grayling is also missing after getting lost in his own house.

Obama Demands to See Trump’s Elementary-School Diploma

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama ignited a firestorm of controversy on Wednesday by demanding to see President Donald Trump’s elementary-school diploma. Speaking to reporters in Washington, Obama called on Trump to prove “once and for all” that had completed a K-through-five program. “While the U.S. Constitution does not require the President to have graduated from fifth grade, it would still be nice to know that he had done so,” Obama said. By insisting on the release of Trump’s diploma, Obama joined a growing movement of so-called schoolers, who contend that Trump never attended school. Schoolers’ demands to see documentation of Trump’s elementary-school attendance have yet to sway the White House, which has released only a short version of Trump’s second-grade report card, with the grades completely redacted. Obama revealed that he had hired forensic detectives to study Trump’s utterances and tweets to determine the extent of his verifiable schooling, but, so far, they had found “no proof” of a fifth-grade education. “Donald Trump claims that he attended elementary school,” Obama said. “All I’m asking is, where’s the evidence?” Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com. Read more »