Americans Beg Trump for Secret to Staying So Young and Vibrant

Photograph from Shutterstock

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans across the country wish that Donald Trump would reveal his secret to staying so young and vibrant, the nation’s personal trainers have confirmed.

According to Tracy Klugian, a fitness professional in St. Louis, “not a day goes by” without one of his clients requesting a physical regimen that will give him or her the youthful appearance and mental sharpness that have made Trump the envy of millions.

“Clients will come in and say, ‘Make me as young and vibrant as Donald Trump,’ ” Klugian said. “I have to warn them that that’s…

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Accuses Media of Anti-Liar Bias

Photograph by Evan Vucci / AP / Shutterstock

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Reacting to the journalist April Ryan’s call for her to be fired, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said, on Friday, that she has been the victim of the media’s “widespread anti-liar bias.”

“From their obsession with fact-checking to their relentless attacks on falsehoods, the media have made no secret of their bias,” Sanders said. “It’s open season on…

Jeremy Corbyn joins protest against himself outside his house

Jeremy Corbyn has joined a protest against himself outside his own house after he was unable to resist its pull.

Members of Extinction Rebellion, a group that demands immediate action against climate change, glued themselves to the fence outside Jeremy Corbyn’s house.

They believe that Corbyn’s green manifesto doesn’t go far enough to avert a worldwide climate disaster.

‘He’s one of the better politicians but…

Americans Fear That Former Trump Staffers Will Be Released Into Their Cities

Photograph by Vit Simanek / CTK / ZUMA

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans are in a state of abject panic amid reports that Donald J. Trump is threatening to dump thousands of fired Cabinet members and aides on cities that do not support him.

Harland Dorrinson, who lives in San Francisco, said that “every American should be alarmed” at the spectre of former Trump staffers like Kirstjen Nielsen, Scott Pruitt, and Anthony Scaramucci descending on their towns.

“A lot of these people were unsavory to begin with, and their…

Bus to tell Brexiteers that we’ve now left the EU, nation hopes they fall for it again

A message on the side of a bus will inform Brexiteers that Britain has now left the EU while the rest of the country hopes they fall for it again.

The original Brexit bus claimed that Britain sent £350 million a week to the EU, money we would be able to spend on the NHS instead. While that message was a load of old…

Betsy DeVos Suggests That Bribing Colleges Helps Students Learn Math

Photograph by Tom Williams / CQ Roll Call / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Offering an upbeat assessment of the headline-grabbing college-admissions scandal, Betsy DeVos said on Thursday that bribing colleges gave students “a really neat opportunity” to learn math.

The Secretary of Education suggested that, rather than keeping children in the dark about the bribes that enable their college acceptances, “Parents should sit around the kitchen table with their kids and work…

‘Sexy Brexit’ red-hot favourite to be most popular Halloween costume

Bookmakers have made ‘Sexy Brexit’ the red-hot favourite to be the most popular costume this Halloween after Theresa May secured a Brexit extension until October 31st.

Britain is now scheduled to leave the EU on October 31st, the same day as Halloween.

This has led to costume manufactures moving swiftly to create a ‘Sexy Brexit’ costume for the…

Kate and Gerry McCann given full custody of Brexit

Kate and Gerry McCann will be given full custody of Brexit after PM Theresa May called them both a ‘safe pair of hands’, citing their previous experience dealing with European authorities.

After the Prime Minister conceded that her negotiations were going nowhere, she sought out the best that Britain has to offer.

‘To some, Brexit is…

Redaction of Mueller Report Halted as Barr Passes Out from Sharpie Fumes

Photograph by Tasos Katopodis / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The redaction of the Mueller report stalled on Monday after the Attorney General, William Barr, passed out from inhaling fumes from multiple Sharpie markers.

Barr, who had been working around the clock to redact the report before its release, reportedly lost consciousness while trying to black out a seventy-four-page section…

Germany Demands Apology After Trump Claims Father Was Born There

Photograph by Manuel Balce Ceneta / AP

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—German Chancellor Angela Merkel demanded that Donald Trump issue a “complete and sincere apology” to the German people, after Trump claimed incorrectly, on Tuesday, that his father was born in Germany.

“Of the many insulting things that Donald Trump could say…