Monday, July 23, 2018

Man Wins “Why Trump Shouldn’t Go to Prison” Essay Contest

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A Washington, D.C., man has won a nationwide essay contest on the topic “Why Donald J. Trump Shouldn’t Go to Prison.” The man, Brett Kavanaugh, received his award for the winning essay at a ceremony at the White House on Monday night. Kavanaugh’s essay, which was distributed to the press shortly after he was announced as the winner, reads as follows: “Donald J. Trump should never go to prison because he is the President of the United States and the President of the United States is a very important person in the country. It would look bad if visitors from foreign countries came to the United States and asked, ‘Where is your President?’ and we had to say, ‘He is in prison,’ which in my opinion is another reason Donald J. Trump should not go to prison. For these reasons, if I am ever in a position to keep Donald J. Trump from going to prison, I will do that (keep him from going to prison).” Shaking Kavanaugh’s hand, Trump heaped praise on him for his “very, very beautiful” essay, calling it “maybe the best essay that has ever been written.” “I did not personally read it, but Ivanka read it aloud to me, and I thought it was fantastic,” Trump said.

Putin Reportedly Has Made Final Supreme Court Choice

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Russian President Vladimir Putin has reportedly made his final choice to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, Kremlin sources have confirmed. According to those sources, Putin whittled down a lengthy list of possible candidates to just two, Brett M. Kavanaugh and Thomas M. Hardiman, before selecting the one he believes will best advance the interests of the Russian Federation. Those familiar with the selection process said that the Russian President did not consult with Donald J. Trump before making his final decision. “Putin didn’t want one of those ‘too many cooks’ situations,” one Kremlin source said. “He told Trump that he would e-mail him the name a good half hour or so before Trump has to announce it to the media.” Surprisingly, the usually brash Putin found the responsibility of choosing the next Supreme Court Justice “daunting,” sources said. “Nominating a Justice to the United States Supreme Court is one of the most important decisions a Russian President can ever make,” Putin reportedly said.

China Slaps Two-Thousand-Per-Cent Tariff on Tanning Beds

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest salvo in its escalating trade war with the United States, China has slapped all tanning beds slated for export to the U.S. with a two-thousand-per-cent tariff. By artificially hiking up the cost of its tanning beds, China succeeded in sending the price of tanning beds worldwide soaring in overnight markets. In what some experts regarded as a related move, China also placed a four-thousand-per-cent tariff on all spray-tan products headed for the U.S., as well as instant-tanning lotions, makeup foundation, and several popular hues of orange paint, including butter rum and burnt sienna. The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, blasted China’s tariffs on its full range of tanning products, calling the move an “act of war.” “What China doesn’t understand is that it is far from the only player in the tanning game,” Sanders said. “The United States stands ready and willing to import tanning beds from our friends in Canada.” In Ottawa, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau responded to reporters’ questions about the prospect of Canada shipping tanning beds to the United States. “It doesn’t look good,” he said.

May-Merkel meeting ends abruptly after May breaks out ‘two world wars and one world...

A tense meeting between British Prime Minister Theresa May and German Chancellor Angela Merkel has ended abruptly after a frustrated May broke out a ‘two world wars and one world cup’ chant. The leaders were due to discuss Britain’s impending exit from the EU as well as future German investment in Britain. However, the meeting got off to an acrimonious start when May mentioned Germany’s exit from the 2018 World Cup. ‘Britain could certainly use some German advice on a quick and easy exit strategy,’ May is reported to have said. With May under increasing pressure – from both internal and external sources – some believe she might just have snapped completely when she busted out the ‘two world wars and one world cup’ chant. ‘The meeting was not going well and tensions were rising. I never expected Mrs May to jump on the table and start chanting like she was at a football match though,’ said one attending staffer. Since news of the meeting broke on BBC, Theresa May’s popularity has skyrocketed to an all-time high. There are now rumblings she intends to hold a snap election in a month’s time.

Donald Trump schedules meeting with Yorkshire dictator over nuclear disarmament

The White House has revealed that President Donald Trump has scheduled a meeting with the dictator of Yorkshire to discuss possible nuclear disarmament. The meeting will take place whilst Trump is on his state visit to Britain. The relationship between the USA and Yorkshire has often times been tumultuous, although it has shown signs of improvement since the end of Barack Obama’s presidency. ‘A black Muslim in the White House? It beggars belief,’ said either Trump or a Yorkshireman. This would be the first time a US President – or anyone from outside of Yorkshire – was allowed into the area since a Londoner tried to bring quinoa to the White Rose County and was promptly shot. Yorkshire is been ruled by Geoffrey Gam-Mon, a man who is a proponent of both nuclear armament and not paying more than one pound for anything. While Yorkshire has been on the verge of nuclear war with anyone who wants some, Trump is hoping cooler heads will prevail. ‘Unless he mocks my tiny hands. Then it’ll be an all-out war,’ said the president.

France brings back national service over fears they’ve become too weak to wave white...

President Emmanuel Macron has announced plans to bring back national service to France, which mainly consists of learning how to wave a white flag and surrendering. French national service was scrapped in 1996 after the country declared that it had perfected the act of surrendering. ‘Not a single country on this planet could surrender as quickly and as gracefully as us,’ said President Macron. But a lack of practice has caused France to lose its edge in the art of surrender. There are growing concerns that the French youth have become so weak that their slender arms are no longer strong enough to lift and wave a white flag. ‘How are countries to know we’ve quit when they can’t even see our white national flag?’ said Macron. French teenagers will now be forced to spend six months learning how to wave a white flag, drop to their knees, and beg for mercy. ‘All critical components of the French way of life,’ said the president.

Foreigners Unsure Why Anyone Would Want to Travel to U.S. at This Point

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after the United States Supreme Court upheld Donald J. Trump’s controversial travel ban, millions of people from other countries expressed puzzlement that anyone would want to travel to the United States at this juncture. In interviews with people from around the world, respondents said that the travel ban struck them as unnecessary, because the United States was not currently on the list of the top hundred countries to which they would consider travelling. When asked to name the reasons they felt that a travel ban was superfluous, many of those interviewed cited the United States’s gun violence and crumbling infrastructure, as well as its broken educational and health-care systems, while others singled out its President’s startling disrespect for democratic norms and human rights. Given those views, most of the foreigners interviewed said they found the news of the Supreme Court’s decision baffling. “When I heard that the United States was having a travel ban, I assumed that was to keep people from leaving,” one respondent said, echoing the sentiments of many.
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