ORLANDO (The Borowitz Report)—Speaking to reporters on Thursday morning, Vice-President Mike Pence ripped the New York Times and vowed never to write for it again. “I think the New York Times is reprehensible and disgraceful, and should apologize to the American people,” Pence said. “As for me, I’m going to show my disgust with the Times by never, ever submitting another piece of writing to it.” Pence said that, in addition to the Times’ irresponsible decision to publish incendiary articles, “The editors over there are really hard to deal with if you’re a freelance opinion writer.” “People see the New York Times as a biased publication with a blatant agenda to take down Donald Trump,” Pence said. “What people don’t realize is that the editors over there make a freelance writer’s life miserable—suggesting changes in words, moving paragraphs around, and cutting lines that you thought were really good.” In addition to those criticisms, Pence said that the Times insists that writers sign a contract and submit a W-9 before they can get paid. “The Times says that it pays writers promptly, but when I look at their behavior up to this point, color me skeptical,” Pence said. “I’ll believe it when I get the check.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans were startled by the revelation on Wednesday afternoon that there was someone working in the Trump White House capable of writing an entire editorial, reports indicate. In a nation already rocked by a series of bombshells since Labor Day, the news that an anonymous senior White House official had the command of the English language necessary to compose a seemingly coherent Op-Ed piece suitable for publication in a major newspaper was perhaps the most improbable development of all. Davis Logsdon, a professor of linguistics at the University of Minnesota, said that a team of language experts under his supervision has studied the Op-Ed word by word and is “in a state of disbelief” that someone currently working for Donald J. Trump could have written it. “There are complete sentences, there are well-structured paragraphs, there is subject-verb agreement,” he said. “This does not appear to be the work of any White House staffer we’re familiar with.” Stressing that he and his team of linguists are “not even close” to determining the author, Logsdon said that they were currently using the process of elimination to whittle down the list of possible scribes. “Based on the mastery of language that we see here, it’s not Sarah Huckabee Sanders, John Kelly, Stephen Miller, or Kellyanne Conway, and it’s definitely not Jared,” he said.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump obtained an advance copy of Bob Woodward’s new book Monday evening and was “furious” to discover that Woodward had written it at a seventh-grade reading level, a White House aide has confirmed. The aide, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that Trump was convinced that Woodward wrote the book for seventh-grade readers to make its assertions impossible for Trump to refute. “Trump was turning page after page, becoming increasingly angry at its gratuitous use of a seventh-grade vocabulary,” the aide said. “It was like it was written entirely in a secret code.” At one point, Trump became so frustrated trying to decipher the word “imbecilic” that he hurled the book across the room. “Book bad!” he reportedly shouted. According to the aide, Trump’s daughter Ivanka is dreading that she will be called upon to read the Woodward book aloud to her father, as he has demanded she do with books by James Comey and Omarosa Manigault Newman. “In the past, Ivanka has begged off by saying she was too busy running her company, but she can’t do that anymore,” the aide said.
“It’s about time you took note of the lying media, constantly making stuff up about me. “But perhaps not in the way you are thinking.” “What is this award?” asked Trump. We are awarding you the lifetime achievement ‘Father of Lies’ award,” said Jesus. “Father of Lies?” said Trump. “The Father of Lies is one of many titles people have given to Satan, along with The Great Deceiver, The Evil One, The Adversary.” “Those are great titles,” said Trump. Bigly exceptional.” Trump was beaming. “We put your name in a big dark book with previous winners. “Previous winners of the Father of Lies award are not in heaven,” said Jesus. So I will be the first winner of the award in heaven?” Trump was beaming. @realDonaldTrump Just heard from the Big Guy that I have won a major award.
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Michael D. Cohen decided on Tuesday to plead guilty to a host of financial crimes shortly after Rudolph Giuliani offered to be his lawyer on a pro-bono basis, Giuliani confirmed. In an interview with Jake Tapper, on CNN, the former New York City mayor said that he had offered to give Cohen “the kind of defense that only I am capable of giving.” “The minute I said that, the blood drained from his face and he was out of there like a shot,” Giuliani said. “It was the strangest thing I’d ever seen.” Giuliani gave CNN viewers a snapshot of what his defense of Cohen would have been like. “I would have said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client is guilty,’ ” he said. “ ‘Guilty as sin! But “guilty” rhymes with “not guilty,” and that’s what I’m asking you to find him today.’ I’m telling you, Jake, it would have been a killer.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hours after the Pentagon announced that it would postpone a military parade that Donald J. Trump had requested, Vice-President Mike Pence staged a one-man parade in Trump’s honor. Explaining his decision to mount the solitary parade, Pence told reporters, “It is the least I can do to pay tribute to the greatness and majesty of Donald Trump, a true American hero.” Pence acknowledged, however, that marching alone “was a neat way to keep the budget down.” “Obviously, if money were no object, I would have gone for a little more spectacle,” he said. “Maybe a flyover by Space Force.” Marching proudly with his chest thrust forward and breaking out into a near-strut, Pence’s parade route took him down Pennsylvania Avenue, where he waved occasionally to confused-looking passersby. “It was weird seeing him walking all by himself,” Carol Foyler, a tourist who witnessed the Pence parade, said. “I waved back because it was just so sad.” Pence’s one-man march drew high praise from Trump, who took to Twitter to declare it the largest parade in history.
BEDMINSTER, New Jersey (The Borowitz Report)—Blasting his former colleague Omarosa Manigault, Donald J. Trump said on Monday that “the White House is no place for a lying lowlife from a reality show.” “People were impressed by Omarosa because they saw her on a TV show,” Trump told reporters from his golf course in Bedminster, New Jersey. “Well, I’ve got news for you: being on a reality show does not qualify you to work in the government.” Explaining why he considered her a “lowlife,” Trump said, “She’s rude, abrasive, and offensive. Having someone like that in the White House is an embarrassment to our country.” But worst of all, Trump said, was Omarosa’s lying, which he called “constant.” “She can’t go a day without lying, and what’s more, she’s narcissistic and paranoid,” he said. “A psycho like that shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the Situation Room.” Pronouncing himself pleased that Omarosa was no longer in his Administration, Trump concluded his scorching remarks by saying, “The sooner we can rid the White House of reality-show con artists, the better off the country will be.”
The NRA has praised violent video games for giving the American people a realistic standard of how many deadly weapons it’s acceptable for them to carry around in public. Games like ‘Call of Duty’, ‘Grand Theft Auto’ and ‘Doom’ are being given credit for displaying a realistic reality where an American can walk around with half a dozen or more deadly weapons without anyone really batting an eyelid. ‘As long as you’re white,’ NRA chief Wayne LaPierre added. Video gamers are often given enough room to carry at least six guns, a pack of grenades and some brass knuckles (just in case). ‘I remember when you had to drop your current gun to pick up a new one in video games and it used to make me so angry I had to go out and shoot something for real. Now though, everything is much more realistic,’ said one NRA supporter. The ‘Fallout’ franchise has been singled out for particular praise by the NRA for showing their idealised vision for the future.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Making a major announcement at the Pentagon on Thursday, Vice-President Mike Pence said that the proposed United States Space Force was necessary to defend the U.S. from gay aliens. “I stand before you today to say that this country is under attack from outer-space gays,” Pence told the military gathering. “Only Space Force can protect us from their unimaginable evil.” Pence detailed a nightmare scenario in which “gay aliens by the thousands” land in the U.S. in “seemingly cute spacecraft” and “subvert life in America as we know it.” “Let’s say, for example, that these gay aliens can assume human form,” he said. “What’s to stop them from infiltrating normal bakeries and baking cakes for gay weddings?” “I’ll tell you what’s to stop them,” he said, pausing for dramatic effect. “Space Force.” At the White House, CNN’s Jim Acosta asked the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, how, exactly, Pence had developed his theory about the existence of gay aliens. “No one is more qualified to talk about life on other planets than Mike Pence,” Sanders snapped.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a development that could dramatically change the composition of the federal penitentiary system, Republicans are projected to pick up as many as seventy seats in prison, a leading incarceration expert said on Thursday. “Prognostication is an inexact science,” Davis Logsdon, who studies conviction rates of corrupt politicians for the University of Minnesota’s Guilt Project, said. “Having said that, if current indictment trends hold up, the Republicans could be flipping at least seventy key prison seats.” Logsdon broke down criminal cases against Republicans into likely convictions, likely acquittals, and toss-ups, and found that the G.O.P.’s path to the magic number of seventy new prison cells was “very doable.” According to his projections, Republicans are running for prison “especially well” in districts where the G.O.P. member of Congress was an early supporter of Donald J. Trump. “In those districts, we’re seeing Republicans who did an incredible job of raising money,” he said. “All of that money is going to translate into a huge number of new freshman prisoners.” All in all, Logsdon sees the prospect of seventy new Republicans in prison as “nothing short of seismic.” “Prisons need to get ready,” he said. “A red wave is coming.”