Americans Relieved to Learn That Trump Spends Sixty Per Cent of Time Not Using Powers as President

Photograph by Al Drago / Bloomberg / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A leak of Donald J. Trump’s official White House schedule has left millions of Americans deeply relieved that Trump spends approximately sixty per cent of each day not using his powers as President.

In conversations across the country, Americans called the revelation that Trump devotes the majority of his day to “executive time,” a euphemism for watching TV and checking Twitter, the most reassuring news out of the White House in months.

“Like most of the people I know, the idea of Donald Trump sitting behind his desk doing things that…

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